Saturday, 20 February 2010
Blog name change
Sorry to confuse everyone but I've changed the name of my blog. The title is an Evanescence song that I like. I just didn't like the old name anymore xxxx
Thank you :)
Thank you so much to the lovely girls who left such encouraging comments on my last post. I was feeling SO down and miserable and like giving up in every sense of the word and your comments just totally changed my mood - I can't thank you enough :) You are all right - I only have this one chance to get my degree and the rest of my life to worry about being thin! I can see this now but I guess due to my inability to prioritise properly I assumed I needed be thin more than I needed this degree. Which isn't true. I don't consider myself a stupid person but my number one priority is always to be thinner, which I see is incredibly stupid!! But it's all I know, it's what consumes my thoughts day in day out and I'm not ready to let it go, if I can let it go, that is.
Strangely though, after deciding to let myself eat whatever I wanted to get over the exam period, I pretty much lost my appetite and have had two really good days - almost no carbs in me for 48 hours and I feel amazing. I think I need to go back on the Atkins Diet. It is the only diet I have been on that actually WORKED. The reason I couldn't keep it up was because I kept passing out. My body just couldn't cope with the enormous drop in carbohydrates, and I literally didn't have ANY carbs, no fruit, no vegetables, so my body really suffered. I felt dizzy, nauseous and lethargic the whole time and the second time I passed out I just thought 'screw this' and stopped the diet immediately but what I should've done was slowly increase my carbs, like allow fruit for example.. so I am attempting to do that again. I guess it's an Atkins hybrid diet... is that what the Zone diet is? I'll have to look it up.
Something unexpected, that hadn't occurred to me before, happened on Monday. To give you some background, as part of my degree I have to spend long periods of time in hospitals doing lots of observation etc... Anyway, I went to see my personal tutor today to find out where my next hospital placement would be. She mentioned the name of the hospital and when I asked about the type of wards they were she replied that she wasn't sure and was waiting to hear back but said it would either be general medicine or eating disorders. OH MY GOD. I didn't know whether to feel excited or scared. She then asked me the question. Yep. 'Have you ever had an eating disorder? It's good to know as it can be difficult if you've experienced it'. I said 'No'. I didn't know what else to say! I am very interested in Eating Disorders and I DO want to help people to recover, but I don't want to help myself! Also, I don't even think I have an ED, not at the moment anyway. I think I'm just a girl on endless diets who hates her body - which probably fits the profile of many girls who do not meet the criteria for an Eating Disorder.
Anyway, as my history of depression is on my Uni record (yeah I did admit that, in case I became unwell) they may just put me in the general ward.
What I'm getting at here is - what would you do?? Would you want to see an ED unit? I've never seen one except in documentaries. Part of me is fascinated, intrigued and part of me thinks OMG what a hypocrite I am! Hand on heart I can say in truth that I do want to help people with EDs. I do want them to recover because they ruin lives and kill people, they are so complex and to be part of a team treating them and restoring people's lives would be an honour... but I know I have eating issues too. Would I be a total hypocrite if I was to work on an ED ward?
Strangely though, after deciding to let myself eat whatever I wanted to get over the exam period, I pretty much lost my appetite and have had two really good days - almost no carbs in me for 48 hours and I feel amazing. I think I need to go back on the Atkins Diet. It is the only diet I have been on that actually WORKED. The reason I couldn't keep it up was because I kept passing out. My body just couldn't cope with the enormous drop in carbohydrates, and I literally didn't have ANY carbs, no fruit, no vegetables, so my body really suffered. I felt dizzy, nauseous and lethargic the whole time and the second time I passed out I just thought 'screw this' and stopped the diet immediately but what I should've done was slowly increase my carbs, like allow fruit for example.. so I am attempting to do that again. I guess it's an Atkins hybrid diet... is that what the Zone diet is? I'll have to look it up.
Something unexpected, that hadn't occurred to me before, happened on Monday. To give you some background, as part of my degree I have to spend long periods of time in hospitals doing lots of observation etc... Anyway, I went to see my personal tutor today to find out where my next hospital placement would be. She mentioned the name of the hospital and when I asked about the type of wards they were she replied that she wasn't sure and was waiting to hear back but said it would either be general medicine or eating disorders. OH MY GOD. I didn't know whether to feel excited or scared. She then asked me the question. Yep. 'Have you ever had an eating disorder? It's good to know as it can be difficult if you've experienced it'. I said 'No'. I didn't know what else to say! I am very interested in Eating Disorders and I DO want to help people to recover, but I don't want to help myself! Also, I don't even think I have an ED, not at the moment anyway. I think I'm just a girl on endless diets who hates her body - which probably fits the profile of many girls who do not meet the criteria for an Eating Disorder.
Anyway, as my history of depression is on my Uni record (yeah I did admit that, in case I became unwell) they may just put me in the general ward.
What I'm getting at here is - what would you do?? Would you want to see an ED unit? I've never seen one except in documentaries. Part of me is fascinated, intrigued and part of me thinks OMG what a hypocrite I am! Hand on heart I can say in truth that I do want to help people with EDs. I do want them to recover because they ruin lives and kill people, they are so complex and to be part of a team treating them and restoring people's lives would be an honour... but I know I have eating issues too. Would I be a total hypocrite if I was to work on an ED ward?
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Can't think of a title...
Had a very crap few weeks, hence me not posting, sorry :(
Uni is so stressful, I have more exams coming up and had to do a presentation last week which I don't think went very well, haven't been sleeping, feeling extra depressed and to top it all off I'm not in control of my eating. I've binged twice this week, after two horrible days I just went and bought lots of 'binge' food which I haven't done in a long time and ate myself into the evening in front of the tv. Didn't even bother to purge. I didn't care. Now my stomach feels enormous and even though I haven't binged since, I haven't restricted either. I think once this bad depressive phase is over I'll be able to think more clearly and start restricting again. My exam is early next week so I'm just praying that after that, things will return to how I want them to: i.e. I will be in control again. *sigh*. Sorry I really don't have much to say, my depression is so bad I can't really form sentences at the moment. Have skipped Uni so much since returning from Australia. I had such a great time there and even though I was 143-145 the whole time I was there, I managed to maintain it by eating, but eating healthily. I ate lots of salads and fruit and I never went hungry. I felt good because I wasn't starving all the time, and yet I wasn't gaining weight. Everyone commented on how thin I looked and I actually felt relatively ok in a bikini which has never happened in my life. I never thought I would feel so good at a BMI of 20-21 but I did. Anyway, I'm still aiming for a BMI of 19.1... I've just decided that that's the number I want to be.
I haven't weighed myself for two weeks as I just can't face the scales, I just have this awful feeling that I must be heading close to 150 again. I was 140 late last year, how did this happen?? Sometimes I wish I could just leave Uni and concentrate on being thin and happy but then what kind of life would that be? I feel like completing a degree is what will impress everyone else around me, so I have to do it.
Sorry if this is a very random message. I'm not even going to proof read it for typos i'm too tired. Today my sugar cravings were so bad I started to eat maple syrup out of the container. How digusting is that?
Bye for now lovelies, eating is never worth it!!
xxx
Uni is so stressful, I have more exams coming up and had to do a presentation last week which I don't think went very well, haven't been sleeping, feeling extra depressed and to top it all off I'm not in control of my eating. I've binged twice this week, after two horrible days I just went and bought lots of 'binge' food which I haven't done in a long time and ate myself into the evening in front of the tv. Didn't even bother to purge. I didn't care. Now my stomach feels enormous and even though I haven't binged since, I haven't restricted either. I think once this bad depressive phase is over I'll be able to think more clearly and start restricting again. My exam is early next week so I'm just praying that after that, things will return to how I want them to: i.e. I will be in control again. *sigh*. Sorry I really don't have much to say, my depression is so bad I can't really form sentences at the moment. Have skipped Uni so much since returning from Australia. I had such a great time there and even though I was 143-145 the whole time I was there, I managed to maintain it by eating, but eating healthily. I ate lots of salads and fruit and I never went hungry. I felt good because I wasn't starving all the time, and yet I wasn't gaining weight. Everyone commented on how thin I looked and I actually felt relatively ok in a bikini which has never happened in my life. I never thought I would feel so good at a BMI of 20-21 but I did. Anyway, I'm still aiming for a BMI of 19.1... I've just decided that that's the number I want to be.
I haven't weighed myself for two weeks as I just can't face the scales, I just have this awful feeling that I must be heading close to 150 again. I was 140 late last year, how did this happen?? Sometimes I wish I could just leave Uni and concentrate on being thin and happy but then what kind of life would that be? I feel like completing a degree is what will impress everyone else around me, so I have to do it.
Sorry if this is a very random message. I'm not even going to proof read it for typos i'm too tired. Today my sugar cravings were so bad I started to eat maple syrup out of the container. How digusting is that?
Bye for now lovelies, eating is never worth it!!
xxx
Monday, 1 February 2010
I'm Back!
Just a very brief message to say I haven't fallen off the earth and am still here. I have been away in Australia for 6 weeks, two weeks longer than I expected and I arrived back in London 1 week ago. Due to lack of privacy it was literally impossible to log on to here so it's nice to be back!
The lowest I got to last time was 140 and just before I flew out to Australia I went back up to 145. I've been hovering between 144-146 since I got back, which is shit but I thought I would've gained more weight than that on holiday. I managed to be mostly 'good' without many binges and tended to maintain 143 while I was out there. I've been back only about a week and already gained a few pounds, the weather here is freezing and I need to stop comfort eating and get back in control! It's hard because I have assignments and exams coming up (again) so it's making things worse but anyway that's my short update, I have an essay to write.
Have missed u all and can't wait to update myself again with your blogs
lots of love , Bella xx
The lowest I got to last time was 140 and just before I flew out to Australia I went back up to 145. I've been hovering between 144-146 since I got back, which is shit but I thought I would've gained more weight than that on holiday. I managed to be mostly 'good' without many binges and tended to maintain 143 while I was out there. I've been back only about a week and already gained a few pounds, the weather here is freezing and I need to stop comfort eating and get back in control! It's hard because I have assignments and exams coming up (again) so it's making things worse but anyway that's my short update, I have an essay to write.
Have missed u all and can't wait to update myself again with your blogs
lots of love , Bella xx
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