Update

Hello everyone

Firstly I'm so sorry I have not been blogging lately. Every single day that I have been away (except for the past 3 days) I have been eating. Most people would probably call it 'normal' eating but for me it is most definitely binging. I am now a huge 144 lbs :( I can't believe I have screwed up again and set myself back by a month. I should've been in the 130's long ago after reaching 140.0 but it all went spectacularly wrong! Exam and essay stress plus the anxious anticipation of going to Australia just got the better of me. I want to go home for Christmas. I really do. But it's summer there and everyone is probably already thin and tanned while I am white and flabby. It's so hard trying to lose weight in winter, knowing you will be right in the middle of a hot summer in a matter of weeks!

Anyway, enough excuses. I am currently eating an average of 1000 cals a day and hoping I will start to lose the extra weight. 1000 cals is far too much though, I need to go back to 500-700 per day to really get this weight off fast but I'm not strong enough right now. Hence why I haven't been blogging. Like the rest of you I don't feel worthy of being on here and feel nothing but shame when I am stuffing my face.

Thank you so much for all the supportive messages and thank you Blue butterfly for asking if I am ok :) Mad Bird - I couldn't believe when I finally updated myself with your blog to see your Mum has cancer - I am so sorry I don't even know what to say. It really put things in perspective for me though - wondering if starving is really that important when people are being diagnosed with cancer. But I guess it is our way of coping or not coping. I also strongly believe that mental illness (depression/ED's) are serious illnesses in their own right though and that it's quite sad that you, me, and everyone on here have to be secretive about our illnesses.

This is just a fairly quick update because I am in the middle of packing my suitcase. I seem to fit into nearly everything in my wardrobe now. The smallest size is a UK Size 10 - I seem to fit in every size 10 except a couple of items but maybe I am just being extra critical of how I look in them. They fit - I just don't like how I look. Anyway a UK 10 is a US size 6 I believe, for those wondering. I used to think a UK 10 was ideal but I so desperately want to be an 8 now. I'm certainly not there yet, not even close but that is my next goal for sure.

Lots of love to you all - I will still be on here whilst I am on holiday, except for the week prior to Christmas when I will be away at a holiday house and wont have computer access. Apart from that I will be staying somewhere where there is a computer so I will be blogging as much as I can, just not as frequently as I'd like to.

Hope you're all doing well. Have missed you all - better get back to the dreaded packing. My suitcase is nearly full and I don't feel like I'm done! oh dear. !!Lol

hugs and kisses to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. have temporarily removed my goal chart but I will work out a new one and post it soon xx

...

I don't know my weight today. I'm avoiding the scales until I get some control back. Today I ate a piece of chicken breast with salad consisting of tomatoes, grated carrots, sweetcorn and couscous. I don't know why I ate the couscous its so bad but apart from that and a couple of apples I haven't had anything else. But my stomach feels huge, I just want to die! Can't believe how much I am screwing up. I keep telling myself that I must be a certain weight by a certain time and it's just becoming too much and I binge. I just need to forget about going home in a few weeks and take each day as it comes. I don't think I'd be bingeing if I knew I was just having a quiet christmas here in England, with no one to prove anything to. I was so looking forward to going to see my family and old friends and now I just don't want to, so I can be alone with my ED - how terrible is that??!!

I'm feeling extra low at the moment. I threw up my pasta last night and took laxatives and still I feel full and heavy. My stomach and thighs feel like they've doubled overnight. I want to cry but I can't. I want to cut myself but I know I can't since it'll be the middle of a very hot summer when I go home. I'm sat downstairs while my husband is upstairs because we aren't getting along anymore. I have this heavy feeling in my chest, like something terrible is going to happen. It's there constantly now.

Please let me find the willpower to get back on track tomorrow and STOP EATING.

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What the hell is wrong with me?

I only managed to go a week and a half this time before fucking up and bingeing. I don't understand why my binges are becoming more frequent, goddamit!! Now it's only two and a half weeks before I go home and I'm nowhere near on target. I'm going to have to change my goal chart and put it back by a week at least as I'm almost two weeks behind at the moment. I was hoping I'd have caught up by now.

I can't believe it - I got to 140, had every reason to think I'd be in the 130's by now and I go and fucking sabotage myself. I do this every time. I did it when I got to 150 and now I'm doing it at 140. After screwing up on Tuesday, I had another bad day Wednesday - 950 cals. Even though it wasn't quite as bad as Tuesday, it's still bad. Today I majorly ruined my progress. I got to 7pm and had only had 300 cals and thought I was doing ok. I felt very hungry but I thought I could control it. I was wrong. My husband made some chicken in a tomato and mushroom sauce with wholemeal pasta. My resolve broke and I ate a bowl of it. Then I had another. Holy fucking shit!! Now I'm full and have no desire to eat but I'm sat here guzzling diet coke as I'm so thirsty and I can feel my stomach expanding.

I kept asking my husband tonight if I've gained weight over the past 3 days, I swear I look fatter but he assured me I didn't which just made me feel annoyed because I didn't believe him. *sighs*. I took some pics of me at 163 lbs and then took more two days ago at 140 lbs. Yes there's a difference, but seriously, it's not THAT big a difference. I don't know how much I need to lose before I start to look thin. I think I'll just bite the bullet and post a current pic of myself to see what you all think. I think I need to lose another 15-20 lbs before I look good. And I need to tone up, I'm so flabby :(

I wish I lived with another ana girl who could actually hold me down and stop me from eating, unlike my husband who says I 'could do with some decent food from time to time' - fuck that!! Today I weighed 141. Don't even want to talk about it or record it on my weight chart - I'm SO determined to be in the 130's by next Monday (23rd). That gives me 3 days to get back on track and shed this extra pound, although I'm guessing after today I will most likely be even higher tomorrow = fuck fuck fuck!!

Love you girls and STAY STRONG!

EDIT:- p.s. Kate Moss has just caused an uproar over here for saying 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' - apparently a mantra of hers. Everyone is apparently 'shocked' and 'dismayed' but how else do they think she keeps thin? Of course she doesn't eat! She is a size zero super model after all!! I wish I was as strong as her!

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140.0

Maintained today, but that's ok. I was bad today though. I didn't binge but I feel immensely guilty as I had just over 1000 calories. I haven't eaten that much in over a week so I'm feeling a bit shit. Today I had:

2 1/2 skinny vanilla lattes
1 green salad with 1 tbsp low fat mayo
1 small chicken breast, peas, carrots, & baby potatoes with some vegetarian gravy
1 handful of dried apricots
1 handful of raisins


Fuck it!

I forgot about the dried fruit so I must've had 1300 cals.

I'm going to bed before I eat anything else! I have just weighed myself and looks certain I'll maintain again but I did eat a shit load today so I deserve it!

Love you all xxxxxxxxxx

140.0

or 63.5 kg. Not quite in the 130's yet but I guess it's ok. Will post more on my day later tonight, off to Uni now, hope you're all having or had a good day :) xxx

EDIT:-


Thanks Skinny Love and Medica Chaotica for your comments! I hope I'm lower tomorrow too, would be great to see the 130's again, haven't seen them in a long while.

Just a very quick update as I'm absolutely shattered after a very long and tiring day at Uni! Didn't do too badly today I had:

Mushroom soup, 3 apples and a tin of sliced pears (drained).
I also had two skinny creme brulee lattes (small) = its around 650.

I've discovered the lattes are only 92 cals each according to the costa coffee website so I just have one of those if I start to feel tired and hungry.

Hope you're all doing well. I weighed myself this evening and it looks like I will probably maintain 140 tomorrow but will keep my fingers crossed!

p.s. BMI now 20.3 yay hopefully in the 19's soon :)
Lots of Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

140.8

Just another quick weight update - still the same, 140.8/63.9 kg and now have to go out for fucking lunch :( But I will order soup and leave the bread - will update more later. Love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx

EDIT:- Update:

Thank you so much to the three lovely girls who commented below, I don't feel so strong a lot of the time, so thank you for saying it! Well I had some luck today, the pub we went to was full and the waiting time was 30 mins. My husband was too hungry so we left and went to this cafe where I just had a fruit juice. Then we went for a coffee and I had a small vanilla skinny latte. Then we went to the movies and I had a fruit smoothie. Total by that stage was around 450-500 cals I think. When I got home I had a small fruit salad and a can of tuna. So the total for the day is about 700-750 which isn't very good but I don't feel full and when I got home tonight I only weighed slightly more than this morning so hopefully I am on for a little weight loss tomorrow! After a week of averaging 500-600 per day I have slipped a little bit today but will try and stick to 500 cals tomorrow.

Thanks again for your comments, you are all so supportive and I really think I would've given up long ago if it hadn't been for all your support :)

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

140.8

Just today's weight update: happy about 140.8 - or 63.9 kg. Looking forward to being in the 130's asap!

BMI: 20.4

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142.0

Sorry I haven't been commenting much - the bingeing gets me down so much I don't feel worthy being on here when I'm constantly eating!

Anyway after 4 disgusting days I am feeling more positive. My weight ballooned to 146 over the 4 days and now, after 3 days of restricting, has gone down to 142.0. As much as I hate the bingeing, it has enabled me to break a plateau (142.6) that I was stuck at for weeks. And last time, the same occurred, I had been 150 for around 3 weeks and after bingeing and then sudden restriction I lost weight reasonably quickly. I guess I've successfully tricked my body! I just wish I could only binge for one day, or two at the most, but it always seems to be days and days!

Thank you so much to 'CreativeEatsYou', 'H', 'Behind the Fat', 'Blue butterfly', 'Disrepaired' for your supportive comments. I agree that I was being extremely hard on myself and by telling myself things would be ok and that I could get the control back, I've managed to get back to restricting quicker than last time. :) And I'm taking these 4 weeks one day at a time. When I think about it as a 4 week length of time it becomes too stressful!

Since starting Uni this semester I have lost 8 or 9 lbs. One girl in particular has noticed this. When I started Uni, I was roughly the same size as her. Now, I am smaller and as I'm taller than her, I look slimmer :) And it hasn't passed her by. Almost every day she comments on my weight loss, even though I've only known her 6 weeks! She's also started a diet too. When we first started Uni, she ate chocolate bars and sandwiches for lunch whilst I sat there with some vegetable soup and an apple. Now SHE is also having fruit for lunch, and is bringing soup in a thermos with her.

I feel a few different things about this. Firstly, I feel smug. I know, it's awful. But I like it that I'm smaller than her and I like it that she clearly hates it and due to the competitive nature of disordered eating all I can say is 'game on'!. Secondly, I feel mad as hell. Why does she have to compete? She clearly ate 'normally' when we started Uni. Why can't she just let me lose weight instead of trying to be like me? Thirdly, I feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into. Once you start dieting, especially when you're competing with someone, it ends up going too far. Not for everyone, I guess we do have predisposition to having an ED or disordered eating ,but I don't want her to torture herself the way that I do.

hmm... I feel like a bitch. Will keep u updated on this.

It's 2am so there might be 2 posts from me today as I will weigh myself in the morning, once I've slept, and let you all know what it was.

Lots of love to everyone.

p.s. I love our supportive community. I wish we could all live together or nearby each other. There'd be endless support. I just cannot possibly talk to anyone about this unless they've been there. Therapists may have training for it, but I'm studying to be a health care professional and the ED training part of it is so fucking small it's ridiculous, even though I have the ability to 'specialise' in ED's upon graduation. It's crazy.xxxxx

Can I go 4 weeks with no binges?

I hope so. It'll be so bloody worth it! I see my family and friends in Australia in 4 weeks. I'm terrifed. I've GOT to be skinny by then.

Well I am still 142.6 but no surprises there. I have been in binge hell for the past 3 days. After my last post, I went on to have a good day (thanks for the supportive comments!) and only had 350 cals then the following day things went to shit again. I had to meet friends for coffee (again! so many coffee mornings lately?!) which turned into lunch but I didn't eat anything however I did have 3 huge coffees. When I got home I realised I had consumed nearly 500 cals in liquids - what a waste! Anyway I told myself I'd totally blown it and binged as soon as I walked in the door.

Then the following day started fine. I had a late lunch - 350 calorie salad and decided to have 200 cals of soup for dinner. But plans changed. Instead I went out for dinner and I have no idea how many calories I ate! I was so fucking stressed that I actually didn't care for once! I have the most difficult assignment/presentation thing for Uni to do that I can't concentrate right now. I have barely started it and it's due this week. I just cannot study/do homework and restrict! I have no concentration/motivation and I feel far too tired when I'm restricting. So today again, I fucked up and ate lots. Probably 1500 cals but at least I got some homework done.

I would rather be thin than get good grades. I really would. But the perfectionist in me who only settles for 'A's' is taking over at the moment and battling with the side of me that just wants to be thin. But without doing the homework today I would've failed and I can't think of anything worse than failing Uni.

Sorry for being quiet and not commenting - I have a stressful week coming up so I may not have a lot of time to comment but I will be back!!

Pray for me that I can have a binge-free month. Even if I'm only 134 in a month's time, that will be ok with me. Anything in the 130's is better than how I currently am. I dread to think of my weight. Today's eating was extra worse, I feel like I've gained 5 lbs, my stomach is huge :(

Sorry for this depressing post!! Hope ur all getting skinny and bingeing isn't ever worth it as y'all know already but just reiterating it for u!

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Bad day :(

I binged today. I hate food. I really do. It's the enemy.

I'd been experiencing this horrible, nagging feeling to binge all week, but I'd held back. I was still 142.6 this morning, which is fine, it's still the same weight, but it's not an increase at least. But I had this big presentation to give at Uni today which was stressing me out and after the presentation, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief - that it was over, and yet I needed to EAT! I had this urge to stuff my face AFTER the stressful event, but I don't understand why!!

Breakfast and lunch were fine - coffee, vegetable soup and 1 apple. But after I left Uni it all went downhill.

For the train journey home I bought a packet of potato chips, a small tuna salad, & a dried fruit and nut mix. Later I went out for dinner and had roast chicken with carrots, peas, mashed potato and gravy, when I got home I had more dried fruit and cashew nuts and about two handfuls of banana chips (which are TERRIBLE!)..Omg.. Fuck my life!! I haven't eaten potato chips in over 3 months, what possessed me to buy them today?? I have never bought food for the train journey home before - it's too dangerous! There is 'bad food' everywhere at train stations!

I must've had 2000 calories??

Anyway, there is no food in my house except soup so i'm praying this is just a one off binge day. They never happen, my binges usually last for days or weeks. I know I wont get to 140 by Friday, but I can't dwell on it or I will continue to binge. God bingeing just isn't worth it! Sometimes when I start to binge I think, "this is SO worth it, tastes SO good" but that feeling lasts less than 5 minutes.

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Plateau !

Damn plateau!! grr!! Have been 142.6 for FOUR days! The problem is for the past 4 days I've been eating 650-700 calories per day. Prior to that, for a week and a half, I was maintaining 450-500 calories per day and lost 4lbs. So the extra couple of hundred cals are affecting me. But I'd rather have a few days of 650-700 cals than a few days of binging I guess. Jeez I was hungry today! Desperately wanted to just EAT! But I restrained myself. Yesterday I had about 700 cals. Today so far I've only had 330 cals. Not sure if I'll eat anything else - I'll certainly try not to but I think I might need an apple as it's still a good 4 hours before I go to bed.

On a good note, I managed to get through Halloween without eating ANY junk food/candy/sweets/anything! So very happy about that.

Was meant to be 142.0 by the 30th but still haven't made it and I have to be 140 by November 6th which is on Friday!!

Hope everyone is doing really well and thanks for all your supportive comments :)

Bella xx

142.6

Same weight as yesterday - bit of a disappointment as according to my 'goal chart' (below) I needed to be 142.04 today but hopefully I can get there tomorrow. Next goal is 140 lbs by 6th November.

Does anyone know how I can put my goal chart down the side of my blog? I'm terrible with formatting blogs!

So far today had one cup of black coffee with 2 tsp of sugar. Not sure what I'm going to eat today - probably just some soup. - hope you're all having a great day :)


16th October -146.19 - check!
23rd October - 144.00 - check!
30th October - 142.04
6th November - 140.00
13th November - 137.99
20th November - 136.00
27th November - 134.04
4th December - 132.10
11th December - 130.18
18th December - 128.29
25th December - 126.43

142.6

Or 64.7 kgs - happy about that, but I had to go out for dinner tonight (bleh!) - I ordered a chicken & vegetable meal that was 475 cals according to their website and a 200 cal salad with low fat dressing. However, I did not finish the salad and removed all the skin (Yuck!) off the chicken so hopefully it's less cals in total. That was my total food for the day. Didn't have any coffee - just two large glasses of diet pepsi.

Had to have dinner quite late so hopefully it wont slow down my weight loss.

FIVE AND A HALF WEEKS TO GO! - until I go see my family OMG. I really want to be 132 or 130 by then, it's possibly a bit ambitious but I hope I can make it!

Stay strong everyone! It's worth it :)

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143.5

Not feeling myself today. I had a break from my normal routine - which I hate when I'm restricting. It scares me and makes me SO anxious. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm always highly anxious when restricting. I like to know exactly where I'm going, what I'm eating (or not eating), how long, etc etc...

I went to a friend's house for coffee, which I enjoyed but I had SO much coffee! It was black coffee, but with sugar so I feel guilty. Anyway, we met early in the morning so she got some breakfast things out for us. I politely declined a blueberry muffin. She said I looked "great" and "slim" so that made me feel good, but to not look like a total freak I accepted a 90cal Special K Bar and an apple.

When I got home I just felt so stressed. I don't know what it was - just getting through the morning trying to avoid nice muffins and pastries was so hard and with the stress of exams coming I felt like I was having a panic attack as soon as I walked through the door.

I needed to calm down. My heart was racing, and I was so hungry. I decided that I would just have dinner early (at 4.30pm - which I never do, I always have it late) but I was STARVING! I really just wanted to binge. I wanted to have a huge, all out binge and just stuff my face with food. But, thankfully, I didn't. I had another apple, a can of tuna, a bowl of chicken soup, and some dried fruit. It's quite a lot more than I've been eating - around 650-700 cals for the whole day (I've been averaging about 500 for the past 10 days) - but I feel better and have calmed down considerably. FYI - I still don't count my black coffee with sugar, but I probably should have today considering I had 4 huge mugs of it!! Oh well. I think when I hit my next plateau I will start counting the sugar calories?? God you must thinking I'm a fat pig not counting it now! I do count everything else though - all drinks, although apart from the black coffee I only drink water and diet coke!

Yesterday I had around 550 cals and managed to lose half a pound so I'm just praying that I wont gain. I'm scared by the fact that I've eaten so damn early, knowing it's 5 or 6 hours before bed. I think I'll have an early night and fill up on diet coke.

Stay strong everyone!

Bellaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

144.0

One more pound to go and I will have lost 20 Ibs since August! It's weird because I still feel almost as fat as 20 Ibs ago. Interesting how the more weight you lose the more things you find wrong with your body! But it just makes me realise I still have a long way to go and I need to keep going. I don't even start to look good til my BMI is in the 19's. It's now 20.8 so I have a little way to go.

Yesterday I ate:

2 large apples: 150 cals
Tomato soup: 240 cals
1 can of pears: 90 cals

Total: 480 cals

Stay strong everyone!

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144.6! and I love caffeine :)

Wooo! Now 144.6 or 65.6 kilograms. Very happy about that. I was meant to fast yesterday with the lovely Strawberry Shortcake but I was bad and had 2 starbucks coffees, a bowl of tomato soup and some watermelon. Total: 432 calories. But my calorie intake has dramatically dropped over the past week. I used to eat an average of 1000 calories a day. 700 was a good day. Now 500 seems average, and 700 is really bad! I feel excited about this.

I think another thing I have learned about my body is that if I only consume caffeine - coffee and diet coke - I lose weight faster. It's just water loss, but it's a loss. As caffeine works as a diuretic, I pee twice as much as normal. I must've peed about 12 times yesterday (sorry if that's TMI)! But I lost 2lbs overnight so it must be helping? I think starbucks and diet coke are the two best inventions in the world :)

Not eaten yet today but about to have a coffee and a cigarette. I do still put some sugar is my black coffee, I know its bad but it's my cheat.

Also, my BMI is out of the 21's!! Well only just - it's now 20.9 but it's an accomplishment!!

Now I have to go and write three papers for University :( I find it impossible to concentrate and do homework when I'm not eating much, I've been procrastinating for about 2 weeks! So I must knuckle down and study hard today!

If you want to join Strawberry Shortcake's weight loss competition, the first weigh in is on Halloween - looking forward to it!!

Love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

'Thin'

No - not me, I'm not thin yet, but I am reading a really good book called 'Thin' by Grace Bowman. It is her personal account of anorexia. So of course, very interesting to me. She develops anorexia at 18, prior to starting University. I like reading it from her perspective because most people think of anorexia starting during childhood, around 13 or 14 but it does and can start a bit later. So many adults (I mean 40 +) have anorexia. A very interesting and insightful documentary called 'Desperately Hungry Housewives' is worth watching. It is on youtube. Just type in the name of the documentary and it will come up. I think the youngest person in that documetary is 29 - some have had it since a young age, for others it developed during adulthood.

Grace Bowman's book is also interesting because she describes her thoughts and feelings as a child, in the lead up to the development of anorexia. And all the 'signs' or 'pre-requisites' for an eating disorder are there. Her feelings reflected my own feelings as a child. I felt like I was reading about myself - a perfectionist, always needing to be top of the class, feeling like a failure if she didn't achieve an 'A', feeling the need to 'fit in' with everybody, to be liked by everybody yet feeling somewhat of a 'misfit'. Just feeling that something isn't quite right. Needing to make sense of, or find some control in a life that is changing. - I've only read a few chapters so far but would highly recommend it.

Anyway, onto my weigh in. So for the past 2 weeks I struggled and binged. I had far more 'binge' days than 'good' days - in fact I think I only had 1 maybe 2 good days. My weight was 147 and in a matter of days catapulted to 153.5. I was in such a state of despair. I just wanted carbs and sugar and lots of it. I didn't get back on track until Tuesday. So for 6 days I've been back in control. Today I weighed in at 146.5. Feeling quite relieved about that, it's hard because I also have my period. Whilst feeling relieved, I can't be complacent. I made that mistake and it took me a week to undo. Back to a BMI of 21.2. But I still look enormous. My legs are huge - they must go. They're always last to go so I can easily get frustrated and give up. I wont let that happen this time though!

Hope you're all having a great Sunday :)

Phew

Feeling a bit better today - after a shaky day yesterday I thought the second day of my period was bound to be worse, but, oddly, it was fine!

I had my usual black coffee with sugar in the morning, and instead of eating lunch at Uni I went out for a walk, didn't sit with my friends - told them I was off out to buy cigarettes, and I just walked around and didn't return to the cafeteria - just went straight to my next class.

So when I got home I was feeling that 'high' of not eating all day (haven't felt that in SUCH a long time that it's embarrassing!) - anyway I had a can of chicken noodle soup (124 calories) and stopped there. Had a diet coke, went and lay down in bed as I was exhausted from a long day. Got up about an hour later and watched a movie. Started to feel hungry and so I allowed myself 2 small apples (50 cal each) - and now I feel ok !? I'm going to bed having only consumed 224 cals plus the sugar in my coffee - thank GOD! Here's hoping I'm OUT of binge mode!!

Probably wont weigh again til Sunday as I always carry excess fluid during my period and if I see I've gained a few pounds I will most likely give up and binge!

Hope you're all doing great:) - and if you are in binge mode - don't worry , it DOES end - it's harder but give yourself a good 3 or 4 days (of controlled eating) to recover - you'll get there
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Struggled a bit today - got my period (damn) and I always hold extra weight during that time, as we all probably do! I haven't weighed myself today, I just can't face the scales until I feel a bit lighter!

I had 780 calories today - not as good as the last two days, but I'm feeling hungry again and that's usually a sign that I'm losing weight! I am back at uni tomorrow but that's ok, I usually have a low calorie lunch and am too busy all day to be hungry - it's when I get home feeling hungry that problems start!

Will probably weigh myself again on Saturday or Sunday.

Thanks to you girls for your supportive comments, I really couldn't do this without your love and support :) Thank god I found this place

bella xx

Binge mode

I have been in full 'binge mode' lately - I haven't properly restricted for a reasonable length of time, in about 2 and a half weeks! I have 3 or 4 bad, binge days, then one good day, then 3 binge days - it used to be the other way round and I'm gaining a tonne of weight *sighs*. On Tuesday I felt too fat to go to Uni , so I stayed home and tried to regain some self-control. Going ok so far. Yesterday I had 550 calories and today 480 calories. Trying to stick to 500-550 calories for as long as I possibly can. I leave for Australia in mid December- so I'm seeing my entire family for christmas and will be catching up with old school friends - which is ultimately why I HAVE to be THIN! The 'deadline' is getting close - I have about 7 weeks. xxx

Bleh

SHIT SHIT Day!

Good day yesterday, despite still being 147 (not getting to 146 on the 16th as hoped). I had about 900 cals and maintained 147 this morning.

Today was a completely different story! Had a few small slices of turkey breast and some steamed veggies for lunch (peas, carrots & broccoli). Then had a starbucks coffee. Decided not to eat for the rest of day. Felt hungry by 6pm so had 2 small pots of fat free yogurt, an apple and 2 chicken 'cup a soups'. Calorie count at this stage was around 1000 - so fucking plenty in other words.

Then, despite keeping all trigger foods out of the house my husband decides to make fucking oat bar/slice things of which I ate too much and now feel sick and bloated. Have taken an OD of my detox/'inner cleansing' pills so praying to god that I can maintain tomorrow and not gain (unlikely to happen).

I keep going round and round in circles in the same cycle. I looked back at some of my weight loss diaries from 2 years ago. I went from 150 to 140 in about 3 weeks! With NO exercise! I had 2 bowls of soup and day and NOTHING else - so around 400-500 cals max. Why can't I just do it again? I KNOW what to do - so why not just DO it!!

Last time around I wasn't studying at the time. Does that make a difference? Just another excuse it sounds like.

Love you all hope you're doing a billion times better than me! :)

xx

147

I'm SO mad at myself! I've gained half a pound - Now I certainly will NOT be 146 by the 16th (tomorrow!). I had the worst kind of carbs - cookies. Was having morning coffee with some friends and of course I had to eat some didn't I?? It's NEVER ok to cheat girls! Feeling good about your weight loss is NO reason to think "a few cookies/pastries/whatever wont hurt"!! I wanted to appear normal - they noticed I'd lost weight which of course was great and I suppose they now think I look thinner AND eat cookies which I guess is good for the non-eating disordered image I'm trying to portray but SHIT for my weight loss! See how many excuses I make for binging?

MUST get back on track tomorrow. Please let this one day binge not have much of an impact!

xx

146.5

So I have until October 16th to get to 146.1 and I'm almost there. About time, some success! Was so relieved to see I was 146.5 this morning - or 66.5 kilos.

'In This Skin ' - Thanks for your comment - I agree that everyone had a hard week - like the vibe across the Ana World isn't so happy right now!

Last week was pretty rubbish but on the whole I've not had a good month - I keep losing then gaining then maintaining. My weight crept back up to 149 on Sunday. I couldn't STOP eating carbs!

So since Sunday evening I have only been eating high protein meals. The only carb exception is apples (maximum of 2 apples per day) and my 'cheat' - black coffee with 2 sugars once a day in the morning. And since limiting carbs and filling up on protein I've dropped 2.5 lbs in 3 days so I'm happy.

Monday:

Breakfast: Black coffee 2 sugars
Lunch: Cup of Chicken Soup and 1 apple
Dinner: 2 small skinless chicken breasts fried in a little low cal cooking spray and mustard and 1 large can of tuna in low fat mayonnaise.

Tuesday:

Breakfast: Black coffee 2 sugars
Lunch: Mushroom soup and 1 apple
Dinner: Chicken and onion omelette: - 3 eggs, half an onion and 1 small skinless chicken breast with low cal cooking spray, 1 Cup of chicken soup, and 1 apple.

Today:

Breakfast: 2 apples
Lunch: 2 cups of chicken soup
(Not yet had dinner)

- I'm not worrying too much about the calories just so long as it's around 800 calories or less. But I don't need to eat so much if it's protein. Also, I'm ensuring what I have is relatively low fat but I'm not concerned about the fat in the eggs or low fat mayo - I'm losing weight so that's the main thing!

Hope you're all doing really well :)
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Tired

Another mediocre day. I had marginally under 1000 calories and did no exercise. I wanted it to be a food free day but I just could not get any homework done. I had zero concentration and so I ate. Of course once I started I kept eating. I had 2 cans of chicken soup, 3 apples, 2 oatmeal cookies and about 10 rice cakes with honey. Rice cakes are only 25 cals each but when you eat a whole packet and add honey it's a disaster. So, I will NOT be buying anymore rice cakes. I have now had to eliminate 3 major things from my house: bread, cereal (including cereal bars) and rice cakes. They are all BAD news and make me binge.

I completely lost it today when I saw I weighed 148.8 lbs - I started crying and hitting my thighs and carrying on about how fat I was. My husband calmed me down and assured me I'm not fat but of course I didn't believe it. He said I don't need to lose any more weight but of course I do. He's been very good - keeping my trigger foods out of the house, but I don't want to worry him so I need to keep my outbursts under control.

I feel so out of control. 2 liquid days last wed and thurs and NO weight loss this time. I need to get back on track and fast on wed and thurs this week.

I'm off to bed before I eat anything else!

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148.5

Still 148.5 :( I have SIX days to get to 146.

I wasn't very good today. I had tomato soup and 2 bread rolls for lunch in a restaurant. Then for dinner I had 2 apples and a cup of 80 calorie vegetable soup. About 10 minutes ago I RUINED it by having 6 rice cakes with honey and 3 cereal bars. OMG.

I can see a pattern forming. I always crave sugar in the evening if I haven't had much during the day. I need to find foods to keep my sugar levels stable. Up until the sugar binge I'd had soup, bread and a couple of apples. I know there's some sugar in those but obviously not enough to sustain me. I tried drinking diet coke to stave off the sugar cravings but it didn't help :(

Full expecting to gain or maintain my weight tomorrow. CRAP!

I hope everyone is doing better than me!

Feeling guilty

Feeling guilty after food = normal

Feeling guilty after water = why??

I drank a lot of water today -2 litres - which is about the recommended amount a normal person should drink in one day but I'm just not good at drinking lots of fluid.

On liquid only days its fine, as no food is going in. But after a couple of liquid only days I've had a normal amount of food day - 1000 calories - but it was very healthy food and when I returned home today I weighed almost the same as I did this morning. But this evening I was so thirsty and drank 1 litre of water on top of the 1 litre I drank during the day. I also drank a coffee and a diet pepsi. But now that I've had all this fluid there is no way I will weigh the same tomorrow morning as I did this morning. I've consumed so much fluid I'm bound to gain a couple of pounds (I always do if I consume lots of fluid). The result is temporary, I know and I will lose it. But I have to be losing weight EVERY SINGLE DAY or at least maintaining otherwise I hate myself and am prone to bingeing. Yet there's no point in bingeing when the extra weight I'm carrying is fucking water! There aren't any calories in it! But on my 'eating days' I tend to drink as little as possible after lunch time so I can weigh as little as I can the following day.

Anyway right now I'm feeling fat and bloated and guilty! I need to stop eating up to 1000 calories on my 'eating days'. But I get SO friggin hungry after my liquid days that I just NEED it!

Thanks to 'Miaana_1983' (sorry it doesn't let me post on ur blog) - I've been able to access this cool site www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php

You just type in some info like how much you weigh, height, how many calories you consume per day and how much exercise you do and it gives you a run down of the weight loss you can achieve if you stick to that amount of calories and exercise. I put in 1000 calories per day and 'light exercise' (1-3 times a week - yeah i'm lazy right now) and this is what it said:

16th October -146.19
23rd October - 144.10
30th October - 142.04
6th November - 140.00
13th November - 137.99
20th November - 136.00
27th November - 134.04
4th December - 132.10
11th December - 130.18
18th December - 128.29
25th December - 126.43


As 127 is my current target that is perfect for me. I'm a bit worried about having to lose 2lbs every week til christmas but I guess its possible?!! So basically I need to do the following: ensure I never go over 1000 calories and have a couple of liquid days a week and exercise more than usual !!

Current weight: 148.5 (gained half a pound this morning after 2 liquid days - no surprises there !)

Hope everyone is getting thinner!!!!!!!!
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Post #2

2nd post of the day -

Thanks for the comment 'weighting2escape' - I loved your little saying "when in doubt, leave food out" - it's so true. If I had decided to eat, the choice of what to eat would've been too much to cope with and I probably would've ended up overeating or bingeing and feeling worse!

So I decided stick to liquids today.

I had:

2 x 70 calorie instant soups = 140 calories
2 x 90 calorie instant soups = 180 calories
375 ml of cranberry juice = 203 calories
750 ml of water = zero calories

TOTAL = 523 calories.

Feeling good about today. Not sure whether to have another liquid day tomorrow or eat a little bit of food. I'm scared of losing control!

Not expecting to lose weight tomorrow due to the amount of liquid I've had but hopefully will have a weight loss in a couple of days.

Hope everyone is doing well and getting thin!

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Better

Stepped on the scales this morning and was 148.0 (67.1 kg). BMI is now 21.5

Can't believe I didn't gain weight. I guess the purging worked. It's 4.15 p.m. right now. I can't decide whether or not to eat today.

I've done well not to gain weight. 3 lbs lost since the weekend. But I can't be complacent when I have 21 lbs left to go until a BMI of 18.5

Still hoping to be 141 by Halloween. It's a big ask but will try my best.

Hope you're all doing well :)
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My own saboteur

Today started well. When I stepped on the scales I was 149.1 (or 67.6 kgs). So the liquid fast was well worth it, I dropped 2 lbs and I'm back to 149. Initially I was happy and did well at lunch, I had about 300 calories, but when I got home I felt differently. I was tired, cold and very hungry.

I was scared that I couldn't sustain this weight loss and convinced myself it was a fluke and I'd be back to 150 or 151 by tomorrow. I had a good dinner, chicken and steamed vegetables but I was still hungry. Part of me said 'ok 800-900 calories is plenty. enough.' and the other said 'you've fucked up and had too much, plus you're still hungry, so since you've already blown it, you might as well keep going'. After that I binged: I had 2 oatmeal flapjacks, a cereal bar, about 10 rice cakes with honey and brought my calorie intake for the day up to around 1,500. maybe more. fuck.

Why do I always sabotage myself when I'm doing ok?? I know I'm not doing great and need to lose a good 25 lbs but WHY after feeling that 'high' of weight loss this morning would I go and ruin something that is going well? I felt so good all day, even thinking I was looking better.

After that, I did something I actually haven't done in two years. I drank 500ml of water, calmly went to the bathroom and threw up. It came easy and was familiar, like an old friend. I thought it'd be really hard. I haven't been in the grips of bulimia for just over two years. But it felt good. Afterwards I felt guilty for the eating and was scared I hadn't brought up enough, so I didn't eat or drink anything else and now I'm off to bed.

I could feel bulimia coming and she's possibly back. But still, I wish I hadn't binged in the first place and fucked up my weight loss. Now I'm convinced I've gained the weight back , which is more likely now that i've binged and purged but why was I scared I would regain BEFORE I binged? I just never feel like I'll get to my goal weight, I think that's the answer. Coming down from 163 to 149 felt fairly easy but another 22 lbs, to be a BMI of 18.5 seems SO far away and I felt like throwing in the towel.

Does it happen to anyone else? Do you sabotage yourself when you're doing well? Why would I listen to that voice saying 'yeah you dropped 2 but ur still a fat arse might as well binge' when the other voice says '2 lbs is good, keep going, fast even to drop another 2'.

Anyway I am rambling TOO much! I need sleep!

Am considering a liquid fast again tomorrow and Thursday. I know I'll temporarily bloat but I want to stay out of the 150's for good.

Love you all to the bones xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello

Well I went from Friday evening until Monday lunchtime on liquids and like I said didn't lose weight but am feeling a bit more positive this evening. I've had a healthy day eating wise although did consume a lot of calories.

Lunch:

Sushi, miso soup, granola bar & apple = 410 calories

Dinner: Went out for dinner, felt guilty but ordered the best thing on the menu:

Tuna steak with rice = 500 calories

Total: 910.

My husband commented tonight that my face is looking a lot thinner :) :) So I'm not letting this plateau in weight upset me plus the support of you girls is invaluable - thank you.

I don't know how to link names but if someone could tell me that'd be great!! The commenter (strawberry shortcake I think!) said to check the soup for salt content and you're absolutely right, it's really high!! So I will steer clear of those for now or just have them sparingly and fadingstrong, the coffee did help me lose some fluid so fingers crossed I drop SOMETHING by tomorrow!! The only good thing about the salty soups is that I haven't felt faint. Not even once did I feel faint on the liquid fast and my blood pressure was normal whereas in a couple of days I have no doubt it'll drop again but I realise eating lots of salt isn't a good way to stop oneself from fainting! But it was interesting to note that anyway.

Well I'm shattered so heading off to bed now, hope everyone is doing well and if you aren't, then don't worry - we all have our bad days/binges and we CAN get back on track :) :)

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Depressed!

Day 2 was really good. I had 500 ml of cranberry juice (270 cal) and three 90 calorie soups (270 cal) for the whole day plus a litre of water, total of 540 calories and I lost FUCK all!! I can't believe it! I am STILL 151.0 !!!!!!!! I need some diuretics or something. I don't even feel lighter, in fact I feel bloated and my face is puffier if that's even possible!!

GRRRRRR!!

It does feel better not eating any solid food in 48 hours (well its now like 56 hours) but I'm SO disappointed! Anyway I can't let this make me binge! Have to STAY FOCUSED!

I don't have any diuretics but I might buy some later and settle for coffee for now, sometimes that makes me pee more often.

Hope to GOD that I at least lose a pound tomorrow! I'm off to uni shortly so will update on my day later on :)

Thanks for everyone's support hope every one is doing well
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Day 1 of Liquid Fast

So today went quite well!! Finally some success! I managed to just consume liquids all day.

It started off shaky as my husband wanted to go out for lunch. I agreed but said I wasn't eating anything. He looked at me like I was crazy but we went anyway. He suggested I at least ordered a starter but I said no. Watching him eating a nice big meal made me SO jealous but I just sat there sipping my cranberry juice! I never thought I could have done that after a week of bingeing!

Anyway at the store they didn't have any grapefruit juice left but did have some offers on other juices so I came away with 1 litre of cranberry juice, 1 litre of pineapple juice and 1 litre of pomegrante juice.

I also bought some of those 'cup of soup' sachets that you mix with boiling water. I realise that is kind of cheating but as the weather is cold I needed something hot - plus the soups are very watery and lower in calories than the juice.

So far today I've had 1 litre of pineapple juice and 4 cups of those 'cup of soup' sachets (and water).

Calorie wise, the juice was 480 and the soup was 338. So a total of 818.

I feel very guilty having all those calories. Is drinking 800 cals any different to eating 800 cals? Does anyone know if there is a difference? Anyway I guess after two days of this I'll know by looking at the scales.

Hope everyone had a lovely day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fast

Hi 'In this Skin' and 'CA' - thanks for your comments! This is just a quickie to say that this weekend I am doing a 48 hour liquid fast. I'm going to be drinking cranberry juice, grapefruit juice and water only. I would like to eliminate the juice but I need something in me as after a week of bingeing my appetite is still raging and I don't feel completely in control. I'm not sure what calorie limit to set for the juices - do any of you usually set a limit?? I don't want to drink 2000 calories!

I'm not sure of the time differences as I'm obviously in England but right now it's 1pm and I haven't had anything to drink (or eat, obviously) - so I'm going out to buy the juice now. I'm now 151.0 (68.5 kg) whereas yesterday I was 150.5 so I'm panicking big time!

'In this Skin' - I also don't look lovely and slim with a BMI of 20, I know exactly what you mean! Being taller than average makes me feel 'bigger' and my legs are still enormous at a bmi of 20 (hell I'm a bmi of 21 now! i'm massive) - so I know exactly where you're coming from!!

Will post again tonight to let you know how day 1 of the fast went.

Thanks for ur support, love you girls xxxxxxx

150

Yep, I went up. A whole frickin pound. I am now 68.3 kilos OMG :(

I shouldn't be so shocked with a week of bingeing but I am!

Today was slightly better than yesterday but still totally crap.

I started off well. Forced myself out of bed, still feeling sick with my cold but thought some routine like going to university would help. Lots of thinspiration at the train station today. Beautiful shapely legs with boney knees that I long for! Grabbed my usual black coffee once at Uni and made my way to my first lecture. Lunch time was a green salad with low fat dressing, one apple and three slices of watermelon. Managed to make it home without eating anything in the afternoon. My husband suggested dinner out, being a Friday night. I was terrified of my appetite, but agreed. I came THIS CLOSE to ordering a chicken burger and fries (980 cals). In fact I started to order it and mid sentence quickly swapped to the grilled tuna steak with rice and salad (500 cals). Thank god. Saved myself 500 calories just doing that.

Got home feeling incredibly anxious. I was STILL fucking hungry! Had 2 granola bars, water and now going to bed. Still a shit day though.

I must've had 1000 - 1,200 calories. SHIT!!!!!!!!

I need to wipe the slate clean. Start the new week again and pretend the last one didn't happen.

I always have to have an excuse for a binge. This week it was because I was sick - tomorrow I WILL be recovered and back to restricting and exercising. Bulimia is rearing her ugly head and I HATE it. I still believe that my bulimia days are well and truly over...that I will ONLY restrict from now on, but I will have to resort to purging if I continue to binge. The weight gain is too much to bear. It's funny how (nearly) everyone loves anorexia but hates bulimia. That if given the choice between the two disorders, we'd pick anorexia in a heartbeat. As a bulimic I always felt I was just a failed anorexic. Maybe my mind is messed up, but that's just how I see eating disorders - anorexia = good. bulimia = bad.

BTW, I'm not saying I currently have an ED. I know I don't fall into either category right now. I definitely USED to have an ED and yes the ED mentality has never left me, even though my weight has gone up. I just want to be thin again, I suppose. It's all I've ever wanted.

Praying that tomorrow will be back to restricting. p.s. if anyone is doing a 48 hour fast this weekend let me know in the next 12 or so hours and I will in fact join you. - really need to shed this pound

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FAT!

I am STILL eating, totally screwed up again today. I can't stand it! The weather is freezing cold and I just wanted to comfort eat and stop feeling sick. This cold is horrible, don't want to go to uni tomorrow :(

I must've had 1,500 cals today I can't friggin believe it.

No doubt I'll gain weight tomorrow. I was restricting SO well and now its gone to shit, have to get back on track!
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Sick

I'm sick at the moment with a bad cold and eating too much. Yesterday I had 900 calories and today I had 1000. SHIT. Anyway its too much I'm screwing up a lot this week! This is the longest time I've gone without a weight loss (2 weeks) and its driving me crazy! I've been exactly the same weight for 2 friggin weeks!

I nearly fainted on the train yesterday and it took 2 granola bars to revive me, then I got home and continued eating :(

October HAS to be a better month! If I can lose 8 Ibs this month which really isn't that difficult then that would be fine with me. 141 by the end of this month. bmi of 20.4.


Anyway I need to go to bed, thank god tomorrow I have the day off!

thanks for everyone's support.

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Good Day/Bad Day

First of all thanks to the lovely, supportive comments left on my last post. It's so nice to know I'm not alone and that there are others being so supportive of something that I am always having to try and hide and make excuses for. Those comments made me feel stronger and more determined to do well.

Well, today was a good day. Yesterday, not so much.

Yesterday I had a bit of a binge. (I say a bit as it wasn't the full blown, drive to the bakery section at the supermarket and buy every donut in sight binge). I can't believe it happened after such a strict, controlled 6 weeks. It was awful. The day didn't start off too well. I had a coffee and a low fat muffin from starbucks. I decided that the muffin would be my main meal for the day as it was 400 cals. I have black coffee but admittedly have a couple of teaspoons of sugar, but I only have the one coffee per day and always in the morning. I really can't function without it! Anyway after this guilty treat I went for a walk with my husband. It was a one hour walk and with 10 minutes to go til we reached home I started to feel wobbly. I knew I was going to faint. I felt weak and dizzy and incredibly nauseous. I think the sugar high I was on was rapidly coming down. I was also dehydrated most likely. Anyway my husband had to almost carry me back to the car. He's supportive of me and knows I'm always trying to lose weight, but he does get annoyed when I start to faint as he knows its the result of lack of proper food. But yesterday I HAD eaten!! Anyway he got me to the car and after some water I felt a bit better.

When I got home I started to feel worse. My blood pressure was a bit low, 90/60 so I reluctantly ate something. I was so desperate to stop feeling so ill. After three slices of low cal bread (no spread) and an apple (200 cals total) I started to improve and with some water and a lie down I was feeling better. I decided that that was plenty of food for the day. After I slept for a bit I woke up still feeling a bit dizzy so I had more water but I had a nagging feeling to eat. My husband offered me an oatmeal flapjack. I said 'no' and when he said it was low fat I just agreed! What an IDIOT !! ( he wasn't lying, it was low fat but 400 fucking calories!) However, being the pig I am I ate it so fast I didn't notice then I had three MORE slices of low cal bread and 6 rice cakes. I was so upset I went straight to bed and cried. My husband followed me up and asked me what was wrong. I said it was because of my binge and he just said that it wasn't a 'binge' that it was a 'normal' persons daily amount of food but that just made me feel crap - I don't want to be normal or average I want to be THIN!

Anyway I decided to forget the day and start again today. Reading the lovely comments I got on my blog made me feel stronger. My husband asked me to stop this 'diet' as it was starting to spiral into an ED (no shit) but he hasn't made me eat anything I don't want to, he never has actually, bless him, he does put up with a lot!

Anyway I didn't do too bad today. Had my black coffee with sugar,
a granola bar (115 cal),
1 small apple (50 cal),
prawn and tuna salad with low cal dressing (420 cal),
1 slice low cal bread (5o cal)
and 4 rice cakes (100 cal).

Does anyone know exactly how many calories per teaspoon of sugar? I read its 16 but that doesn't seem like enough?!


I managed to eat very little at Uni without feeling faint..thank god..

Anyway enough rambling for now I think. I wish I'd eaten less today but I'm far more active at Uni and walking around a lot of the day so hope I lose some weight asap.

Thanks again for your support :)

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Still 149...

I think I am approaching or have reached that plateau I mentioned last time, damn maybe I jinxed myself!!

Anyway today I ate slightly less and went for a walk... and didn't smoke any cigarettes..I REALLY want to quit. I probably only smoke 1 or 2 cigarettes at home each day and up to about 5 if I am at Uni, but I don't think it helps my weight loss and if it did surely I'd be much thinner by now!! I have quit in the past and not noticed a weight gain, but I DO tend to have a cigarette when I want to eat so it'll be tough.

Today was very uneventful, I slept a lot in the afternoon and probably should be exercising right now but I love reading everyone's blogs and can't move away from my computer!!

Food for the day:

Small fruit salad (melon and pineapple) - 50 cals
Cream of Tomato soup - 250 cals
3 slices of low cal bread - 150 cals
Prawns with low cal dressing and lettuce - 180 cals
Large Apple - 80 cals

Drinks: - Diet coke and water (I don't count the calories in diet coke, I know there's a few but to me it's a negligible amount...I need a 'safe' food/drink and that's mine!!)

Total: 710 cals

I REALLY want to be at 127 by Christmas!! SO badly!! I would be unbelievably happy, I hope I can do it!!

love bella

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Summer holidays are over!

Today was my first day back at University after the summer holidays. It's my second last year of University (I went a bit later to Uni- yes I'm old - 24 *shudders*)

My current restricting period started 6 weeks ago, and not having to study or work (quit the crappy part time job I had 2 months ago), made the whole restricting process so much easier!! I'm literally TERRIFIED of starting back at Uni again, especially when my restricting is doing well. In the past 6 weeks I've gone from 163 to 149 without even trying too hard. I tend to eat between 800-1000 calories a day at the moment and exercise very little (i'm just too tired and lazy right now for exercise - yes i know, bad bad bad!!) I literally slept all day for the last 6 weeks, it was bliss, no work no study - just starving.. I realise I will plateau soon enough and will have to up the exercise and lower the calories, but for now its looking OK - 6 weeks, 14 Ib loss, hardly any exercise and NO binges = good (for me).

So at University today everyone was sat in the cafeteria with their high fat, high cal sandwiches and I was sat there - with water (I do eat bread, but only the low cal kind). Yet I was talking to so many people that no one seemed to notice. Lunch was only 30 mins as lectures were pretty much back to back but I only stayed in the cafeteria for about 10 minutes... I arrived there late, telling my friends i'd "catch them up" while I went to the toilet, then after being there for a few minutes I excused myself again and went outside for a cigarette with a couple of girls...then when I went back into the cafeteria every one had finished up their lunch and were just chatting so I bought a diet coke and sat down with them and then 5 minutes later it was back to class...

Last year was my most 'normal' year of eating I've ever had... no big binges, but no starvation either. So nobody would suspect anything this year, certainly not yet anyway. I do usually eat when I'm out as I'm VERY prone to fainting which sucks! When I'm out I tend to make lunch my main meal of the day then go very easy in the evening, but in the last 6 weeks at home I've usually skipped breakfast and lunch and just eaten dinner. I have fainted MANY times in public after having gone a morning and/or afternoon without eating. I always have water on me as that usually helps if I feel a bit woozy but I've discovered that if I eat a couple of fruit pastilles I'm fine...so during a lecture this afternoon I started feeling sick and dizzy even though I was sat down so I snuck a couple of fruit pastilles and then was fine til I arrived home (it's a long train journey home unfortunately). So now I carry these pastilles everywhere with me. I feel guilty for eating them but if it saves me from fainting or eating too much then I don't mind. I think they are about 30 to 40 calories each, I will double check that for certainty.

I'm interested to know what other people do when they feel like this, or do not many of you get faint so quickly? I do have ridiculously low blood pressure. In fact I faint at times when I'm NOT restricting so when I do restrict it's much worse..

Anyway here's the food for the day:

Black coffee (2 sugars)

4 fruit pastilles

Prawn and salmon salad with low cal dressing

Apple

I usually work out the cals but I'm exhausted and need sleep!!

Goodnight ! :)

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A New Beginning...

So here I am, back at the beginning of a new weight loss journey. Since I was 16 I have starved, binged, purged and back again many times. It started during high school after an illness which caused me to lose a lot of weight. People started to notice, to comment that I looked "so thin". This had never happened to me in my life! I gained a fair amount of weight during puberty and was always referred to by family members as "curvy" or "womanly" - which I hated! But I never did anything about it until this time when I was 16. I hadn't even tried to lose weight and I had lost around 17 Ibs (7.5 kilograms). I wondered one day, looking in the mirror what would happen if I actually TRIED to lose weight...and the rest is history. Since then not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about my weight and how I look. The only time I'm happy is when I'm starving. I actually haven't binged and purged in a long time now, and even went through a period of 'recovery' where I allowed myself to eat normally and exercise normally...well...it resulted in me becoming a big FAT ASS at 163 Ibs (73.9 kgs)!!. My current weight is 150 Ibs (68 kgs). I'm 177 cm tall which I believe is just shy of 5'10...or 5'9 3/4 to be exact! So, my current BMI is 21.7 which is pretty horrid. For now, my ultimate weight is 127.5 (58kgs) which is a BMI of 18.5 and we'll see how far I can go from there. Hope you'll join me...

Think thin!

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