143.5

Not feeling myself today. I had a break from my normal routine - which I hate when I'm restricting. It scares me and makes me SO anxious. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm always highly anxious when restricting. I like to know exactly where I'm going, what I'm eating (or not eating), how long, etc etc...

I went to a friend's house for coffee, which I enjoyed but I had SO much coffee! It was black coffee, but with sugar so I feel guilty. Anyway, we met early in the morning so she got some breakfast things out for us. I politely declined a blueberry muffin. She said I looked "great" and "slim" so that made me feel good, but to not look like a total freak I accepted a 90cal Special K Bar and an apple.

When I got home I just felt so stressed. I don't know what it was - just getting through the morning trying to avoid nice muffins and pastries was so hard and with the stress of exams coming I felt like I was having a panic attack as soon as I walked through the door.

I needed to calm down. My heart was racing, and I was so hungry. I decided that I would just have dinner early (at 4.30pm - which I never do, I always have it late) but I was STARVING! I really just wanted to binge. I wanted to have a huge, all out binge and just stuff my face with food. But, thankfully, I didn't. I had another apple, a can of tuna, a bowl of chicken soup, and some dried fruit. It's quite a lot more than I've been eating - around 650-700 cals for the whole day (I've been averaging about 500 for the past 10 days) - but I feel better and have calmed down considerably. FYI - I still don't count my black coffee with sugar, but I probably should have today considering I had 4 huge mugs of it!! Oh well. I think when I hit my next plateau I will start counting the sugar calories?? God you must thinking I'm a fat pig not counting it now! I do count everything else though - all drinks, although apart from the black coffee I only drink water and diet coke!

Yesterday I had around 550 cals and managed to lose half a pound so I'm just praying that I wont gain. I'm scared by the fact that I've eaten so damn early, knowing it's 5 or 6 hours before bed. I think I'll have an early night and fill up on diet coke.

Stay strong everyone!

Bellaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx