My own saboteur

Today started well. When I stepped on the scales I was 149.1 (or 67.6 kgs). So the liquid fast was well worth it, I dropped 2 lbs and I'm back to 149. Initially I was happy and did well at lunch, I had about 300 calories, but when I got home I felt differently. I was tired, cold and very hungry.

I was scared that I couldn't sustain this weight loss and convinced myself it was a fluke and I'd be back to 150 or 151 by tomorrow. I had a good dinner, chicken and steamed vegetables but I was still hungry. Part of me said 'ok 800-900 calories is plenty. enough.' and the other said 'you've fucked up and had too much, plus you're still hungry, so since you've already blown it, you might as well keep going'. After that I binged: I had 2 oatmeal flapjacks, a cereal bar, about 10 rice cakes with honey and brought my calorie intake for the day up to around 1,500. maybe more. fuck.

Why do I always sabotage myself when I'm doing ok?? I know I'm not doing great and need to lose a good 25 lbs but WHY after feeling that 'high' of weight loss this morning would I go and ruin something that is going well? I felt so good all day, even thinking I was looking better.

After that, I did something I actually haven't done in two years. I drank 500ml of water, calmly went to the bathroom and threw up. It came easy and was familiar, like an old friend. I thought it'd be really hard. I haven't been in the grips of bulimia for just over two years. But it felt good. Afterwards I felt guilty for the eating and was scared I hadn't brought up enough, so I didn't eat or drink anything else and now I'm off to bed.

I could feel bulimia coming and she's possibly back. But still, I wish I hadn't binged in the first place and fucked up my weight loss. Now I'm convinced I've gained the weight back , which is more likely now that i've binged and purged but why was I scared I would regain BEFORE I binged? I just never feel like I'll get to my goal weight, I think that's the answer. Coming down from 163 to 149 felt fairly easy but another 22 lbs, to be a BMI of 18.5 seems SO far away and I felt like throwing in the towel.

Does it happen to anyone else? Do you sabotage yourself when you're doing well? Why would I listen to that voice saying 'yeah you dropped 2 but ur still a fat arse might as well binge' when the other voice says '2 lbs is good, keep going, fast even to drop another 2'.

Anyway I am rambling TOO much! I need sleep!

Am considering a liquid fast again tomorrow and Thursday. I know I'll temporarily bloat but I want to stay out of the 150's for good.

Love you all to the bones xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx