What the hell is wrong with me?

I only managed to go a week and a half this time before fucking up and bingeing. I don't understand why my binges are becoming more frequent, goddamit!! Now it's only two and a half weeks before I go home and I'm nowhere near on target. I'm going to have to change my goal chart and put it back by a week at least as I'm almost two weeks behind at the moment. I was hoping I'd have caught up by now.

I can't believe it - I got to 140, had every reason to think I'd be in the 130's by now and I go and fucking sabotage myself. I do this every time. I did it when I got to 150 and now I'm doing it at 140. After screwing up on Tuesday, I had another bad day Wednesday - 950 cals. Even though it wasn't quite as bad as Tuesday, it's still bad. Today I majorly ruined my progress. I got to 7pm and had only had 300 cals and thought I was doing ok. I felt very hungry but I thought I could control it. I was wrong. My husband made some chicken in a tomato and mushroom sauce with wholemeal pasta. My resolve broke and I ate a bowl of it. Then I had another. Holy fucking shit!! Now I'm full and have no desire to eat but I'm sat here guzzling diet coke as I'm so thirsty and I can feel my stomach expanding.

I kept asking my husband tonight if I've gained weight over the past 3 days, I swear I look fatter but he assured me I didn't which just made me feel annoyed because I didn't believe him. *sighs*. I took some pics of me at 163 lbs and then took more two days ago at 140 lbs. Yes there's a difference, but seriously, it's not THAT big a difference. I don't know how much I need to lose before I start to look thin. I think I'll just bite the bullet and post a current pic of myself to see what you all think. I think I need to lose another 15-20 lbs before I look good. And I need to tone up, I'm so flabby :(

I wish I lived with another ana girl who could actually hold me down and stop me from eating, unlike my husband who says I 'could do with some decent food from time to time' - fuck that!! Today I weighed 141. Don't even want to talk about it or record it on my weight chart - I'm SO determined to be in the 130's by next Monday (23rd). That gives me 3 days to get back on track and shed this extra pound, although I'm guessing after today I will most likely be even higher tomorrow = fuck fuck fuck!!

Love you girls and STAY STRONG!

EDIT:- p.s. Kate Moss has just caused an uproar over here for saying 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' - apparently a mantra of hers. Everyone is apparently 'shocked' and 'dismayed' but how else do they think she keeps thin? Of course she doesn't eat! She is a size zero super model after all!! I wish I was as strong as her!

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