I don't know my weight today. I'm avoiding the scales until I get some control back. Today I ate a piece of chicken breast with salad consisting of tomatoes, grated carrots, sweetcorn and couscous. I don't know why I ate the couscous its so bad but apart from that and a couple of apples I haven't had anything else. But my stomach feels huge, I just want to die! Can't believe how much I am screwing up. I keep telling myself that I must be a certain weight by a certain time and it's just becoming too much and I binge. I just need to forget about going home in a few weeks and take each day as it comes. I don't think I'd be bingeing if I knew I was just having a quiet christmas here in England, with no one to prove anything to. I was so looking forward to going to see my family and old friends and now I just don't want to, so I can be alone with my ED - how terrible is that??!!
I'm feeling extra low at the moment. I threw up my pasta last night and took laxatives and still I feel full and heavy. My stomach and thighs feel like they've doubled overnight. I want to cry but I can't. I want to cut myself but I know I can't since it'll be the middle of a very hot summer when I go home. I'm sat downstairs while my husband is upstairs because we aren't getting along anymore. I have this heavy feeling in my chest, like something terrible is going to happen. It's there constantly now.
Please let me find the willpower to get back on track tomorrow and STOP EATING.
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Thank you for your comment on my photos. I try to notice the things that are lonely and unnoticed, such as the ever-stepped on minute flowers in the lawn that are so complexly beautiful when you look closely. I'll have to take a photo of those one day. I'll see things thing around the house or whatever else that I highly doubt anyone else in their super-important bustle have noticed, but they're just so painfully beautiful, sitting there as their Creator made them, waiting for someone to see them. So when I see them, sometimes I'll take a picture. Usually I just stand and look at them for a good 10 minutes. If I'm in public, I'll forget where I am, but people ignore me, or curse as they have to step around me. I'm sure I've made a few not-friends this way. But it almost makes me sad if I don't look at these pretty things, and it makes me so happy to see them, when I do. They're like love letters from God, that he drops in inconspicuous corners of the world, to say, "Hey, remember? - I still love you, you know." See? Those photos are my love letters I've collected. From Him.
ReplyDeleteThe fly, picture... :) My mom had just finished hanging about 6 or 7 fly traps outside. All-natural, fly-attracting-scented (read: stinky), quite expensive little bags with funnels at the top which ended in teeny holes so that the flies could get in but not out, and bags around the funnel. Inside the bags was the stinky water. Like I said, these were expensive since they were all-natural and environment-friendly fly-traps. We have a chicken yard (pets), so we have even MORE flies than our warmer south US area does anyway. As soon as she's done, I come right after her and clog the funnel holes with dead leaves so no flies find their ways to their deaths. My mom has no idea to this day why those expensive fly traps (which stunk to high heaven) didn't work! Anyway, while I was out there, I saw flies (attracted to the scent of the traps) landing on our chickens' fence, and the flies were just so beautiful. You can't see it even as much in the photo as it was that day, but I never knew how beautiful a common and dirty fly could be. I was so sad we were trying to kill them. Then I showed my mom a series of pictures I took, and she laughed and admitted they were lovely, and admitted she felt slightly bad! It took FOREVER to capture them, though... You know, flies are so funny. They're often by themselves, but whenever they're anywhere by another fly, they must be touching each other at all times! With their little feet, until they part ways. It's so interesting. Watch them sometime. They always have to be touching, if they are near enough. Hmmmm... And they're always cleaning themselves. Quite hygienic for what it's worth.
Just got done catching up with your blog; it's great! Thing will pick up soon.
ReplyDeletePlease don´t worry. I know this feeling, or some feeling like that. But it´s not always followed by something bad, sometimes it just disappears.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am not sure which part of your life seems more endangered to you, your body, your marriage, yourself? I wish I could help you out, I really do. And I would like to know more about you, which could give me the possibility to say something of value to you, something that can really help you out. But from this far away, I can only tell you:
Don´t worry, things will get better, and if they don´t, I will be there for you.
You don't have anything to prove to anyone. Regardless your weight, you're still as lovable as ever. You're losing weight for yourself because you (and every girl) deserves a thin body for her to feel pretty in. As to that feeling of absolute fullness, I totally empathise. I was so desperate a while back I drank salt water hoping I could induce a vomit but nothing worked and I just felt nauseated on top of feeling bloated.
ReplyDeleteYou'll get back on track soon, even if not later today but definitely within the next few days. When my binges hit rock bottom i.e full all-out binging, I find it easier to exercise a little more discipline after that. I wish I could give you a hug to cheer you up! *huuuuuuuug*
oops i meant you don't have to prove anything to anyone. =p
ReplyDeleteDon't get yourself down too much! Stay posotive. You can be strong! YOU are in control.
ReplyDelete~Creative
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There is something in the air this month. ALl I keep getting is bad news from home and when I look in the mirror I seem to expand inches in a few hours. It hurts a lot, I know how you feel. But I'm here for you and trust me, when you hit the beach remember there's at least one person who is as scared! Plus you probably look beautiful, I just seem to become more cow like each day. We should live together and create a food free house, get rid of boys who try and ruin us (my boyfriend is being a cock) xxx
ReplyDeleteHey dear, it's been a while since I've heard from you on your blog. How've you been? Take as long a break as you need; i'm rooting for you! (:
ReplyDelete