Update

Hello everyone

Firstly I'm so sorry I have not been blogging lately. Every single day that I have been away (except for the past 3 days) I have been eating. Most people would probably call it 'normal' eating but for me it is most definitely binging. I am now a huge 144 lbs :( I can't believe I have screwed up again and set myself back by a month. I should've been in the 130's long ago after reaching 140.0 but it all went spectacularly wrong! Exam and essay stress plus the anxious anticipation of going to Australia just got the better of me. I want to go home for Christmas. I really do. But it's summer there and everyone is probably already thin and tanned while I am white and flabby. It's so hard trying to lose weight in winter, knowing you will be right in the middle of a hot summer in a matter of weeks!

Anyway, enough excuses. I am currently eating an average of 1000 cals a day and hoping I will start to lose the extra weight. 1000 cals is far too much though, I need to go back to 500-700 per day to really get this weight off fast but I'm not strong enough right now. Hence why I haven't been blogging. Like the rest of you I don't feel worthy of being on here and feel nothing but shame when I am stuffing my face.

Thank you so much for all the supportive messages and thank you Blue butterfly for asking if I am ok :) Mad Bird - I couldn't believe when I finally updated myself with your blog to see your Mum has cancer - I am so sorry I don't even know what to say. It really put things in perspective for me though - wondering if starving is really that important when people are being diagnosed with cancer. But I guess it is our way of coping or not coping. I also strongly believe that mental illness (depression/ED's) are serious illnesses in their own right though and that it's quite sad that you, me, and everyone on here have to be secretive about our illnesses.

This is just a fairly quick update because I am in the middle of packing my suitcase. I seem to fit into nearly everything in my wardrobe now. The smallest size is a UK Size 10 - I seem to fit in every size 10 except a couple of items but maybe I am just being extra critical of how I look in them. They fit - I just don't like how I look. Anyway a UK 10 is a US size 6 I believe, for those wondering. I used to think a UK 10 was ideal but I so desperately want to be an 8 now. I'm certainly not there yet, not even close but that is my next goal for sure.

Lots of love to you all - I will still be on here whilst I am on holiday, except for the week prior to Christmas when I will be away at a holiday house and wont have computer access. Apart from that I will be staying somewhere where there is a computer so I will be blogging as much as I can, just not as frequently as I'd like to.

Hope you're all doing well. Have missed you all - better get back to the dreaded packing. My suitcase is nearly full and I don't feel like I'm done! oh dear. !!Lol

hugs and kisses to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. have temporarily removed my goal chart but I will work out a new one and post it soon xx