142.0

Sorry I haven't been commenting much - the bingeing gets me down so much I don't feel worthy being on here when I'm constantly eating!

Anyway after 4 disgusting days I am feeling more positive. My weight ballooned to 146 over the 4 days and now, after 3 days of restricting, has gone down to 142.0. As much as I hate the bingeing, it has enabled me to break a plateau (142.6) that I was stuck at for weeks. And last time, the same occurred, I had been 150 for around 3 weeks and after bingeing and then sudden restriction I lost weight reasonably quickly. I guess I've successfully tricked my body! I just wish I could only binge for one day, or two at the most, but it always seems to be days and days!

Thank you so much to 'CreativeEatsYou', 'H', 'Behind the Fat', 'Blue butterfly', 'Disrepaired' for your supportive comments. I agree that I was being extremely hard on myself and by telling myself things would be ok and that I could get the control back, I've managed to get back to restricting quicker than last time. :) And I'm taking these 4 weeks one day at a time. When I think about it as a 4 week length of time it becomes too stressful!

Since starting Uni this semester I have lost 8 or 9 lbs. One girl in particular has noticed this. When I started Uni, I was roughly the same size as her. Now, I am smaller and as I'm taller than her, I look slimmer :) And it hasn't passed her by. Almost every day she comments on my weight loss, even though I've only known her 6 weeks! She's also started a diet too. When we first started Uni, she ate chocolate bars and sandwiches for lunch whilst I sat there with some vegetable soup and an apple. Now SHE is also having fruit for lunch, and is bringing soup in a thermos with her.

I feel a few different things about this. Firstly, I feel smug. I know, it's awful. But I like it that I'm smaller than her and I like it that she clearly hates it and due to the competitive nature of disordered eating all I can say is 'game on'!. Secondly, I feel mad as hell. Why does she have to compete? She clearly ate 'normally' when we started Uni. Why can't she just let me lose weight instead of trying to be like me? Thirdly, I feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into. Once you start dieting, especially when you're competing with someone, it ends up going too far. Not for everyone, I guess we do have predisposition to having an ED or disordered eating ,but I don't want her to torture herself the way that I do.

hmm... I feel like a bitch. Will keep u updated on this.

It's 2am so there might be 2 posts from me today as I will weigh myself in the morning, once I've slept, and let you all know what it was.

Lots of love to everyone.

p.s. I love our supportive community. I wish we could all live together or nearby each other. There'd be endless support. I just cannot possibly talk to anyone about this unless they've been there. Therapists may have training for it, but I'm studying to be a health care professional and the ED training part of it is so fucking small it's ridiculous, even though I have the ability to 'specialise' in ED's upon graduation. It's crazy.xxxxx