Very sorry it's been a long time again. I've had such a stressful month at University and in the last two weeks had 2 exams and 2 major essays to hand in so I've been super busy. In that month I really struggled with controlling my eating. But since Saturday I have regained control again and had 5 good days in a row now. For the last 5 days I have averaged around 800 cals which is not great but it's acceptable for now.
However, I am still fat. BMI of 21.1 at the moment. It was 20.3 just before Christmas last year so I need to get back there asap! I'm so determined to get back there.
Thanks for all the support on my last message you girls are amazing!! I'm actually quite relieved to report that I didn't get the ED ward thank god. I realised I'm not ready for it. Being responsible for re-feeding girls and boys who are screaming at me is not something I could deal with right now.
But it has made me think a lot about myself. I feel like because I'm meant to be nursing people, and therefore restoring their health, that I shouldn't be on sites like this. I feel so guilty and yet I also feel a sense of community on here and I feel safe on here. The support I receive on here makes me happy and keeps me going. And I know the way I cope with life isn't healthy, because I know that restricting and then bingeing or purging doesn't help, it just masks the problem, but it is how I cope. It is how I currently choose to be until I either grow up or something else comes along that doesn't make being thin so important.
It sounds selfish but I kind of feel that I have a right to starve because I was bullied for years at school for being 'fat or ugly'.. And I want to show all of those fuck heads that they're the ones who were wrong. I am now having the last laugh. Lots of those girls who bullied me are actually now fat, or have babies or live on benefits (yeah I know I'm mean) but at least I'm doing something with my life. I suffered so fucking much I feel that I deserve this. That I'm entitled to be thin. I'm finally able to show these assholes that I am NOT ugly and NOT fat and I feel it's my right to do this!
So I am torn between my role as a nurse and my wish to just be HAPPY! And I AM happy when I lose weight. When I reached a BMI of 20.3 (my first weight goal) I was over the fucking moon! I got compliments from everyone. I'm currently a US Size 6 (UK size 10) and when I'm a UK 8/US 4 I will be even happier. My next BMI goal after being back to 20.3 will be 19.2 (60kg/132lbs). It's going to take me a while but I'm determined to get there.
Love you all, wish we lived near each other!!
xxxxx
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Glad you are back!
ReplyDeleteI know this, feeling guilty because you should not visit these sites... I should not do this either, but I still am. I am always telling myself that I can be a professional but still have the right to have a private life. As long as nothing happens because of me being different, as long as no one finds out I am fine.
I don´t know is this is right, but I just cannot stop myself, and I don´t want to.
We have the right to have a private life.
Period.
I hope you did good on your exams, and I think you are doing amazing in the eating area. Getting prepared for tests and not eating is very, very hard, but the important thing is to re-gain control.
I wish you all the best.
Good for you wanting to show those people who were unkind that you can be beautiful and thin. I'm also trying to be guilt-free about those former thinnies who have had babies and it's all gone to hell...
ReplyDeletexxx
I have missed you. I was gone, but I'm back and I'm with you. Every baby step of the way xxx
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