Update

Hello everyone

Firstly I'm so sorry I have not been blogging lately. Every single day that I have been away (except for the past 3 days) I have been eating. Most people would probably call it 'normal' eating but for me it is most definitely binging. I am now a huge 144 lbs :( I can't believe I have screwed up again and set myself back by a month. I should've been in the 130's long ago after reaching 140.0 but it all went spectacularly wrong! Exam and essay stress plus the anxious anticipation of going to Australia just got the better of me. I want to go home for Christmas. I really do. But it's summer there and everyone is probably already thin and tanned while I am white and flabby. It's so hard trying to lose weight in winter, knowing you will be right in the middle of a hot summer in a matter of weeks!

Anyway, enough excuses. I am currently eating an average of 1000 cals a day and hoping I will start to lose the extra weight. 1000 cals is far too much though, I need to go back to 500-700 per day to really get this weight off fast but I'm not strong enough right now. Hence why I haven't been blogging. Like the rest of you I don't feel worthy of being on here and feel nothing but shame when I am stuffing my face.

Thank you so much for all the supportive messages and thank you Blue butterfly for asking if I am ok :) Mad Bird - I couldn't believe when I finally updated myself with your blog to see your Mum has cancer - I am so sorry I don't even know what to say. It really put things in perspective for me though - wondering if starving is really that important when people are being diagnosed with cancer. But I guess it is our way of coping or not coping. I also strongly believe that mental illness (depression/ED's) are serious illnesses in their own right though and that it's quite sad that you, me, and everyone on here have to be secretive about our illnesses.

This is just a fairly quick update because I am in the middle of packing my suitcase. I seem to fit into nearly everything in my wardrobe now. The smallest size is a UK Size 10 - I seem to fit in every size 10 except a couple of items but maybe I am just being extra critical of how I look in them. They fit - I just don't like how I look. Anyway a UK 10 is a US size 6 I believe, for those wondering. I used to think a UK 10 was ideal but I so desperately want to be an 8 now. I'm certainly not there yet, not even close but that is my next goal for sure.

Lots of love to you all - I will still be on here whilst I am on holiday, except for the week prior to Christmas when I will be away at a holiday house and wont have computer access. Apart from that I will be staying somewhere where there is a computer so I will be blogging as much as I can, just not as frequently as I'd like to.

Hope you're all doing well. Have missed you all - better get back to the dreaded packing. My suitcase is nearly full and I don't feel like I'm done! oh dear. !!Lol

hugs and kisses to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. have temporarily removed my goal chart but I will work out a new one and post it soon xx

...

I don't know my weight today. I'm avoiding the scales until I get some control back. Today I ate a piece of chicken breast with salad consisting of tomatoes, grated carrots, sweetcorn and couscous. I don't know why I ate the couscous its so bad but apart from that and a couple of apples I haven't had anything else. But my stomach feels huge, I just want to die! Can't believe how much I am screwing up. I keep telling myself that I must be a certain weight by a certain time and it's just becoming too much and I binge. I just need to forget about going home in a few weeks and take each day as it comes. I don't think I'd be bingeing if I knew I was just having a quiet christmas here in England, with no one to prove anything to. I was so looking forward to going to see my family and old friends and now I just don't want to, so I can be alone with my ED - how terrible is that??!!

I'm feeling extra low at the moment. I threw up my pasta last night and took laxatives and still I feel full and heavy. My stomach and thighs feel like they've doubled overnight. I want to cry but I can't. I want to cut myself but I know I can't since it'll be the middle of a very hot summer when I go home. I'm sat downstairs while my husband is upstairs because we aren't getting along anymore. I have this heavy feeling in my chest, like something terrible is going to happen. It's there constantly now.

Please let me find the willpower to get back on track tomorrow and STOP EATING.

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What the hell is wrong with me?

I only managed to go a week and a half this time before fucking up and bingeing. I don't understand why my binges are becoming more frequent, goddamit!! Now it's only two and a half weeks before I go home and I'm nowhere near on target. I'm going to have to change my goal chart and put it back by a week at least as I'm almost two weeks behind at the moment. I was hoping I'd have caught up by now.

I can't believe it - I got to 140, had every reason to think I'd be in the 130's by now and I go and fucking sabotage myself. I do this every time. I did it when I got to 150 and now I'm doing it at 140. After screwing up on Tuesday, I had another bad day Wednesday - 950 cals. Even though it wasn't quite as bad as Tuesday, it's still bad. Today I majorly ruined my progress. I got to 7pm and had only had 300 cals and thought I was doing ok. I felt very hungry but I thought I could control it. I was wrong. My husband made some chicken in a tomato and mushroom sauce with wholemeal pasta. My resolve broke and I ate a bowl of it. Then I had another. Holy fucking shit!! Now I'm full and have no desire to eat but I'm sat here guzzling diet coke as I'm so thirsty and I can feel my stomach expanding.

I kept asking my husband tonight if I've gained weight over the past 3 days, I swear I look fatter but he assured me I didn't which just made me feel annoyed because I didn't believe him. *sighs*. I took some pics of me at 163 lbs and then took more two days ago at 140 lbs. Yes there's a difference, but seriously, it's not THAT big a difference. I don't know how much I need to lose before I start to look thin. I think I'll just bite the bullet and post a current pic of myself to see what you all think. I think I need to lose another 15-20 lbs before I look good. And I need to tone up, I'm so flabby :(

I wish I lived with another ana girl who could actually hold me down and stop me from eating, unlike my husband who says I 'could do with some decent food from time to time' - fuck that!! Today I weighed 141. Don't even want to talk about it or record it on my weight chart - I'm SO determined to be in the 130's by next Monday (23rd). That gives me 3 days to get back on track and shed this extra pound, although I'm guessing after today I will most likely be even higher tomorrow = fuck fuck fuck!!

Love you girls and STAY STRONG!

EDIT:- p.s. Kate Moss has just caused an uproar over here for saying 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' - apparently a mantra of hers. Everyone is apparently 'shocked' and 'dismayed' but how else do they think she keeps thin? Of course she doesn't eat! She is a size zero super model after all!! I wish I was as strong as her!

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140.0

Maintained today, but that's ok. I was bad today though. I didn't binge but I feel immensely guilty as I had just over 1000 calories. I haven't eaten that much in over a week so I'm feeling a bit shit. Today I had:

2 1/2 skinny vanilla lattes
1 green salad with 1 tbsp low fat mayo
1 small chicken breast, peas, carrots, & baby potatoes with some vegetarian gravy
1 handful of dried apricots
1 handful of raisins


Fuck it!

I forgot about the dried fruit so I must've had 1300 cals.

I'm going to bed before I eat anything else! I have just weighed myself and looks certain I'll maintain again but I did eat a shit load today so I deserve it!

Love you all xxxxxxxxxx

140.0

or 63.5 kg. Not quite in the 130's yet but I guess it's ok. Will post more on my day later tonight, off to Uni now, hope you're all having or had a good day :) xxx

EDIT:-


Thanks Skinny Love and Medica Chaotica for your comments! I hope I'm lower tomorrow too, would be great to see the 130's again, haven't seen them in a long while.

Just a very quick update as I'm absolutely shattered after a very long and tiring day at Uni! Didn't do too badly today I had:

Mushroom soup, 3 apples and a tin of sliced pears (drained).
I also had two skinny creme brulee lattes (small) = its around 650.

I've discovered the lattes are only 92 cals each according to the costa coffee website so I just have one of those if I start to feel tired and hungry.

Hope you're all doing well. I weighed myself this evening and it looks like I will probably maintain 140 tomorrow but will keep my fingers crossed!

p.s. BMI now 20.3 yay hopefully in the 19's soon :)
Lots of Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

140.8

Just another quick weight update - still the same, 140.8/63.9 kg and now have to go out for fucking lunch :( But I will order soup and leave the bread - will update more later. Love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx

EDIT:- Update:

Thank you so much to the three lovely girls who commented below, I don't feel so strong a lot of the time, so thank you for saying it! Well I had some luck today, the pub we went to was full and the waiting time was 30 mins. My husband was too hungry so we left and went to this cafe where I just had a fruit juice. Then we went for a coffee and I had a small vanilla skinny latte. Then we went to the movies and I had a fruit smoothie. Total by that stage was around 450-500 cals I think. When I got home I had a small fruit salad and a can of tuna. So the total for the day is about 700-750 which isn't very good but I don't feel full and when I got home tonight I only weighed slightly more than this morning so hopefully I am on for a little weight loss tomorrow! After a week of averaging 500-600 per day I have slipped a little bit today but will try and stick to 500 cals tomorrow.

Thanks again for your comments, you are all so supportive and I really think I would've given up long ago if it hadn't been for all your support :)

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

140.8

Just today's weight update: happy about 140.8 - or 63.9 kg. Looking forward to being in the 130's asap!

BMI: 20.4

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