Hi all
Just letting you know I'm still alive. This nursing placement is awful. My supervisor is awful. Basically just really crap, have 2 and a half weeks left. And I'm eating. Even when I'm not hungry. I must be 150 lbs, I don't dare even weigh myself!
So just letting you know I'm here but as I'm currently fat and miserable I've not been posting/reading blogs so I'm very sorry :(
Once this crap is over and I'm on summer break I will be ok again but probably wont be on here til then.
Am going to start reading all ur blogs again, missing you all xxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Update
Very sorry it's been a long time again. I've had such a stressful month at University and in the last two weeks had 2 exams and 2 major essays to hand in so I've been super busy. In that month I really struggled with controlling my eating. But since Saturday I have regained control again and had 5 good days in a row now. For the last 5 days I have averaged around 800 cals which is not great but it's acceptable for now.
However, I am still fat. BMI of 21.1 at the moment. It was 20.3 just before Christmas last year so I need to get back there asap! I'm so determined to get back there.
Thanks for all the support on my last message you girls are amazing!! I'm actually quite relieved to report that I didn't get the ED ward thank god. I realised I'm not ready for it. Being responsible for re-feeding girls and boys who are screaming at me is not something I could deal with right now.
But it has made me think a lot about myself. I feel like because I'm meant to be nursing people, and therefore restoring their health, that I shouldn't be on sites like this. I feel so guilty and yet I also feel a sense of community on here and I feel safe on here. The support I receive on here makes me happy and keeps me going. And I know the way I cope with life isn't healthy, because I know that restricting and then bingeing or purging doesn't help, it just masks the problem, but it is how I cope. It is how I currently choose to be until I either grow up or something else comes along that doesn't make being thin so important.
It sounds selfish but I kind of feel that I have a right to starve because I was bullied for years at school for being 'fat or ugly'.. And I want to show all of those fuck heads that they're the ones who were wrong. I am now having the last laugh. Lots of those girls who bullied me are actually now fat, or have babies or live on benefits (yeah I know I'm mean) but at least I'm doing something with my life. I suffered so fucking much I feel that I deserve this. That I'm entitled to be thin. I'm finally able to show these assholes that I am NOT ugly and NOT fat and I feel it's my right to do this!
So I am torn between my role as a nurse and my wish to just be HAPPY! And I AM happy when I lose weight. When I reached a BMI of 20.3 (my first weight goal) I was over the fucking moon! I got compliments from everyone. I'm currently a US Size 6 (UK size 10) and when I'm a UK 8/US 4 I will be even happier. My next BMI goal after being back to 20.3 will be 19.2 (60kg/132lbs). It's going to take me a while but I'm determined to get there.
Love you all, wish we lived near each other!!
xxxxx
However, I am still fat. BMI of 21.1 at the moment. It was 20.3 just before Christmas last year so I need to get back there asap! I'm so determined to get back there.
Thanks for all the support on my last message you girls are amazing!! I'm actually quite relieved to report that I didn't get the ED ward thank god. I realised I'm not ready for it. Being responsible for re-feeding girls and boys who are screaming at me is not something I could deal with right now.
But it has made me think a lot about myself. I feel like because I'm meant to be nursing people, and therefore restoring their health, that I shouldn't be on sites like this. I feel so guilty and yet I also feel a sense of community on here and I feel safe on here. The support I receive on here makes me happy and keeps me going. And I know the way I cope with life isn't healthy, because I know that restricting and then bingeing or purging doesn't help, it just masks the problem, but it is how I cope. It is how I currently choose to be until I either grow up or something else comes along that doesn't make being thin so important.
It sounds selfish but I kind of feel that I have a right to starve because I was bullied for years at school for being 'fat or ugly'.. And I want to show all of those fuck heads that they're the ones who were wrong. I am now having the last laugh. Lots of those girls who bullied me are actually now fat, or have babies or live on benefits (yeah I know I'm mean) but at least I'm doing something with my life. I suffered so fucking much I feel that I deserve this. That I'm entitled to be thin. I'm finally able to show these assholes that I am NOT ugly and NOT fat and I feel it's my right to do this!
So I am torn between my role as a nurse and my wish to just be HAPPY! And I AM happy when I lose weight. When I reached a BMI of 20.3 (my first weight goal) I was over the fucking moon! I got compliments from everyone. I'm currently a US Size 6 (UK size 10) and when I'm a UK 8/US 4 I will be even happier. My next BMI goal after being back to 20.3 will be 19.2 (60kg/132lbs). It's going to take me a while but I'm determined to get there.
Love you all, wish we lived near each other!!
xxxxx
Saturday, 20 February 2010
Blog name change
Sorry to confuse everyone but I've changed the name of my blog. The title is an Evanescence song that I like. I just didn't like the old name anymore xxxx
Thank you :)
Thank you so much to the lovely girls who left such encouraging comments on my last post. I was feeling SO down and miserable and like giving up in every sense of the word and your comments just totally changed my mood - I can't thank you enough :) You are all right - I only have this one chance to get my degree and the rest of my life to worry about being thin! I can see this now but I guess due to my inability to prioritise properly I assumed I needed be thin more than I needed this degree. Which isn't true. I don't consider myself a stupid person but my number one priority is always to be thinner, which I see is incredibly stupid!! But it's all I know, it's what consumes my thoughts day in day out and I'm not ready to let it go, if I can let it go, that is.
Strangely though, after deciding to let myself eat whatever I wanted to get over the exam period, I pretty much lost my appetite and have had two really good days - almost no carbs in me for 48 hours and I feel amazing. I think I need to go back on the Atkins Diet. It is the only diet I have been on that actually WORKED. The reason I couldn't keep it up was because I kept passing out. My body just couldn't cope with the enormous drop in carbohydrates, and I literally didn't have ANY carbs, no fruit, no vegetables, so my body really suffered. I felt dizzy, nauseous and lethargic the whole time and the second time I passed out I just thought 'screw this' and stopped the diet immediately but what I should've done was slowly increase my carbs, like allow fruit for example.. so I am attempting to do that again. I guess it's an Atkins hybrid diet... is that what the Zone diet is? I'll have to look it up.
Something unexpected, that hadn't occurred to me before, happened on Monday. To give you some background, as part of my degree I have to spend long periods of time in hospitals doing lots of observation etc... Anyway, I went to see my personal tutor today to find out where my next hospital placement would be. She mentioned the name of the hospital and when I asked about the type of wards they were she replied that she wasn't sure and was waiting to hear back but said it would either be general medicine or eating disorders. OH MY GOD. I didn't know whether to feel excited or scared. She then asked me the question. Yep. 'Have you ever had an eating disorder? It's good to know as it can be difficult if you've experienced it'. I said 'No'. I didn't know what else to say! I am very interested in Eating Disorders and I DO want to help people to recover, but I don't want to help myself! Also, I don't even think I have an ED, not at the moment anyway. I think I'm just a girl on endless diets who hates her body - which probably fits the profile of many girls who do not meet the criteria for an Eating Disorder.
Anyway, as my history of depression is on my Uni record (yeah I did admit that, in case I became unwell) they may just put me in the general ward.
What I'm getting at here is - what would you do?? Would you want to see an ED unit? I've never seen one except in documentaries. Part of me is fascinated, intrigued and part of me thinks OMG what a hypocrite I am! Hand on heart I can say in truth that I do want to help people with EDs. I do want them to recover because they ruin lives and kill people, they are so complex and to be part of a team treating them and restoring people's lives would be an honour... but I know I have eating issues too. Would I be a total hypocrite if I was to work on an ED ward?
Strangely though, after deciding to let myself eat whatever I wanted to get over the exam period, I pretty much lost my appetite and have had two really good days - almost no carbs in me for 48 hours and I feel amazing. I think I need to go back on the Atkins Diet. It is the only diet I have been on that actually WORKED. The reason I couldn't keep it up was because I kept passing out. My body just couldn't cope with the enormous drop in carbohydrates, and I literally didn't have ANY carbs, no fruit, no vegetables, so my body really suffered. I felt dizzy, nauseous and lethargic the whole time and the second time I passed out I just thought 'screw this' and stopped the diet immediately but what I should've done was slowly increase my carbs, like allow fruit for example.. so I am attempting to do that again. I guess it's an Atkins hybrid diet... is that what the Zone diet is? I'll have to look it up.
Something unexpected, that hadn't occurred to me before, happened on Monday. To give you some background, as part of my degree I have to spend long periods of time in hospitals doing lots of observation etc... Anyway, I went to see my personal tutor today to find out where my next hospital placement would be. She mentioned the name of the hospital and when I asked about the type of wards they were she replied that she wasn't sure and was waiting to hear back but said it would either be general medicine or eating disorders. OH MY GOD. I didn't know whether to feel excited or scared. She then asked me the question. Yep. 'Have you ever had an eating disorder? It's good to know as it can be difficult if you've experienced it'. I said 'No'. I didn't know what else to say! I am very interested in Eating Disorders and I DO want to help people to recover, but I don't want to help myself! Also, I don't even think I have an ED, not at the moment anyway. I think I'm just a girl on endless diets who hates her body - which probably fits the profile of many girls who do not meet the criteria for an Eating Disorder.
Anyway, as my history of depression is on my Uni record (yeah I did admit that, in case I became unwell) they may just put me in the general ward.
What I'm getting at here is - what would you do?? Would you want to see an ED unit? I've never seen one except in documentaries. Part of me is fascinated, intrigued and part of me thinks OMG what a hypocrite I am! Hand on heart I can say in truth that I do want to help people with EDs. I do want them to recover because they ruin lives and kill people, they are so complex and to be part of a team treating them and restoring people's lives would be an honour... but I know I have eating issues too. Would I be a total hypocrite if I was to work on an ED ward?
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Can't think of a title...
Had a very crap few weeks, hence me not posting, sorry :(
Uni is so stressful, I have more exams coming up and had to do a presentation last week which I don't think went very well, haven't been sleeping, feeling extra depressed and to top it all off I'm not in control of my eating. I've binged twice this week, after two horrible days I just went and bought lots of 'binge' food which I haven't done in a long time and ate myself into the evening in front of the tv. Didn't even bother to purge. I didn't care. Now my stomach feels enormous and even though I haven't binged since, I haven't restricted either. I think once this bad depressive phase is over I'll be able to think more clearly and start restricting again. My exam is early next week so I'm just praying that after that, things will return to how I want them to: i.e. I will be in control again. *sigh*. Sorry I really don't have much to say, my depression is so bad I can't really form sentences at the moment. Have skipped Uni so much since returning from Australia. I had such a great time there and even though I was 143-145 the whole time I was there, I managed to maintain it by eating, but eating healthily. I ate lots of salads and fruit and I never went hungry. I felt good because I wasn't starving all the time, and yet I wasn't gaining weight. Everyone commented on how thin I looked and I actually felt relatively ok in a bikini which has never happened in my life. I never thought I would feel so good at a BMI of 20-21 but I did. Anyway, I'm still aiming for a BMI of 19.1... I've just decided that that's the number I want to be.
I haven't weighed myself for two weeks as I just can't face the scales, I just have this awful feeling that I must be heading close to 150 again. I was 140 late last year, how did this happen?? Sometimes I wish I could just leave Uni and concentrate on being thin and happy but then what kind of life would that be? I feel like completing a degree is what will impress everyone else around me, so I have to do it.
Sorry if this is a very random message. I'm not even going to proof read it for typos i'm too tired. Today my sugar cravings were so bad I started to eat maple syrup out of the container. How digusting is that?
Bye for now lovelies, eating is never worth it!!
xxx
Uni is so stressful, I have more exams coming up and had to do a presentation last week which I don't think went very well, haven't been sleeping, feeling extra depressed and to top it all off I'm not in control of my eating. I've binged twice this week, after two horrible days I just went and bought lots of 'binge' food which I haven't done in a long time and ate myself into the evening in front of the tv. Didn't even bother to purge. I didn't care. Now my stomach feels enormous and even though I haven't binged since, I haven't restricted either. I think once this bad depressive phase is over I'll be able to think more clearly and start restricting again. My exam is early next week so I'm just praying that after that, things will return to how I want them to: i.e. I will be in control again. *sigh*. Sorry I really don't have much to say, my depression is so bad I can't really form sentences at the moment. Have skipped Uni so much since returning from Australia. I had such a great time there and even though I was 143-145 the whole time I was there, I managed to maintain it by eating, but eating healthily. I ate lots of salads and fruit and I never went hungry. I felt good because I wasn't starving all the time, and yet I wasn't gaining weight. Everyone commented on how thin I looked and I actually felt relatively ok in a bikini which has never happened in my life. I never thought I would feel so good at a BMI of 20-21 but I did. Anyway, I'm still aiming for a BMI of 19.1... I've just decided that that's the number I want to be.
I haven't weighed myself for two weeks as I just can't face the scales, I just have this awful feeling that I must be heading close to 150 again. I was 140 late last year, how did this happen?? Sometimes I wish I could just leave Uni and concentrate on being thin and happy but then what kind of life would that be? I feel like completing a degree is what will impress everyone else around me, so I have to do it.
Sorry if this is a very random message. I'm not even going to proof read it for typos i'm too tired. Today my sugar cravings were so bad I started to eat maple syrup out of the container. How digusting is that?
Bye for now lovelies, eating is never worth it!!
xxx
Monday, 1 February 2010
I'm Back!
Just a very brief message to say I haven't fallen off the earth and am still here. I have been away in Australia for 6 weeks, two weeks longer than I expected and I arrived back in London 1 week ago. Due to lack of privacy it was literally impossible to log on to here so it's nice to be back!
The lowest I got to last time was 140 and just before I flew out to Australia I went back up to 145. I've been hovering between 144-146 since I got back, which is shit but I thought I would've gained more weight than that on holiday. I managed to be mostly 'good' without many binges and tended to maintain 143 while I was out there. I've been back only about a week and already gained a few pounds, the weather here is freezing and I need to stop comfort eating and get back in control! It's hard because I have assignments and exams coming up (again) so it's making things worse but anyway that's my short update, I have an essay to write.
Have missed u all and can't wait to update myself again with your blogs
lots of love , Bella xx
The lowest I got to last time was 140 and just before I flew out to Australia I went back up to 145. I've been hovering between 144-146 since I got back, which is shit but I thought I would've gained more weight than that on holiday. I managed to be mostly 'good' without many binges and tended to maintain 143 while I was out there. I've been back only about a week and already gained a few pounds, the weather here is freezing and I need to stop comfort eating and get back in control! It's hard because I have assignments and exams coming up (again) so it's making things worse but anyway that's my short update, I have an essay to write.
Have missed u all and can't wait to update myself again with your blogs
lots of love , Bella xx
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Update
Hello everyone
Firstly I'm so sorry I have not been blogging lately. Every single day that I have been away (except for the past 3 days) I have been eating. Most people would probably call it 'normal' eating but for me it is most definitely binging. I am now a huge 144 lbs :( I can't believe I have screwed up again and set myself back by a month. I should've been in the 130's long ago after reaching 140.0 but it all went spectacularly wrong! Exam and essay stress plus the anxious anticipation of going to Australia just got the better of me. I want to go home for Christmas. I really do. But it's summer there and everyone is probably already thin and tanned while I am white and flabby. It's so hard trying to lose weight in winter, knowing you will be right in the middle of a hot summer in a matter of weeks!
Anyway, enough excuses. I am currently eating an average of 1000 cals a day and hoping I will start to lose the extra weight. 1000 cals is far too much though, I need to go back to 500-700 per day to really get this weight off fast but I'm not strong enough right now. Hence why I haven't been blogging. Like the rest of you I don't feel worthy of being on here and feel nothing but shame when I am stuffing my face.
Thank you so much for all the supportive messages and thank you Blue butterfly for asking if I am ok :) Mad Bird - I couldn't believe when I finally updated myself with your blog to see your Mum has cancer - I am so sorry I don't even know what to say. It really put things in perspective for me though - wondering if starving is really that important when people are being diagnosed with cancer. But I guess it is our way of coping or not coping. I also strongly believe that mental illness (depression/ED's) are serious illnesses in their own right though and that it's quite sad that you, me, and everyone on here have to be secretive about our illnesses.
This is just a fairly quick update because I am in the middle of packing my suitcase. I seem to fit into nearly everything in my wardrobe now. The smallest size is a UK Size 10 - I seem to fit in every size 10 except a couple of items but maybe I am just being extra critical of how I look in them. They fit - I just don't like how I look. Anyway a UK 10 is a US size 6 I believe, for those wondering. I used to think a UK 10 was ideal but I so desperately want to be an 8 now. I'm certainly not there yet, not even close but that is my next goal for sure.
Lots of love to you all - I will still be on here whilst I am on holiday, except for the week prior to Christmas when I will be away at a holiday house and wont have computer access. Apart from that I will be staying somewhere where there is a computer so I will be blogging as much as I can, just not as frequently as I'd like to.
Hope you're all doing well. Have missed you all - better get back to the dreaded packing. My suitcase is nearly full and I don't feel like I'm done! oh dear. !!Lol
hugs and kisses to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
p.s. have temporarily removed my goal chart but I will work out a new one and post it soon xx
Firstly I'm so sorry I have not been blogging lately. Every single day that I have been away (except for the past 3 days) I have been eating. Most people would probably call it 'normal' eating but for me it is most definitely binging. I am now a huge 144 lbs :( I can't believe I have screwed up again and set myself back by a month. I should've been in the 130's long ago after reaching 140.0 but it all went spectacularly wrong! Exam and essay stress plus the anxious anticipation of going to Australia just got the better of me. I want to go home for Christmas. I really do. But it's summer there and everyone is probably already thin and tanned while I am white and flabby. It's so hard trying to lose weight in winter, knowing you will be right in the middle of a hot summer in a matter of weeks!
Anyway, enough excuses. I am currently eating an average of 1000 cals a day and hoping I will start to lose the extra weight. 1000 cals is far too much though, I need to go back to 500-700 per day to really get this weight off fast but I'm not strong enough right now. Hence why I haven't been blogging. Like the rest of you I don't feel worthy of being on here and feel nothing but shame when I am stuffing my face.
Thank you so much for all the supportive messages and thank you Blue butterfly for asking if I am ok :) Mad Bird - I couldn't believe when I finally updated myself with your blog to see your Mum has cancer - I am so sorry I don't even know what to say. It really put things in perspective for me though - wondering if starving is really that important when people are being diagnosed with cancer. But I guess it is our way of coping or not coping. I also strongly believe that mental illness (depression/ED's) are serious illnesses in their own right though and that it's quite sad that you, me, and everyone on here have to be secretive about our illnesses.
This is just a fairly quick update because I am in the middle of packing my suitcase. I seem to fit into nearly everything in my wardrobe now. The smallest size is a UK Size 10 - I seem to fit in every size 10 except a couple of items but maybe I am just being extra critical of how I look in them. They fit - I just don't like how I look. Anyway a UK 10 is a US size 6 I believe, for those wondering. I used to think a UK 10 was ideal but I so desperately want to be an 8 now. I'm certainly not there yet, not even close but that is my next goal for sure.
Lots of love to you all - I will still be on here whilst I am on holiday, except for the week prior to Christmas when I will be away at a holiday house and wont have computer access. Apart from that I will be staying somewhere where there is a computer so I will be blogging as much as I can, just not as frequently as I'd like to.
Hope you're all doing well. Have missed you all - better get back to the dreaded packing. My suitcase is nearly full and I don't feel like I'm done! oh dear. !!Lol
hugs and kisses to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
p.s. have temporarily removed my goal chart but I will work out a new one and post it soon xx
Friday, 20 November 2009
...
I don't know my weight today. I'm avoiding the scales until I get some control back. Today I ate a piece of chicken breast with salad consisting of tomatoes, grated carrots, sweetcorn and couscous. I don't know why I ate the couscous its so bad but apart from that and a couple of apples I haven't had anything else. But my stomach feels huge, I just want to die! Can't believe how much I am screwing up. I keep telling myself that I must be a certain weight by a certain time and it's just becoming too much and I binge. I just need to forget about going home in a few weeks and take each day as it comes. I don't think I'd be bingeing if I knew I was just having a quiet christmas here in England, with no one to prove anything to. I was so looking forward to going to see my family and old friends and now I just don't want to, so I can be alone with my ED - how terrible is that??!!
I'm feeling extra low at the moment. I threw up my pasta last night and took laxatives and still I feel full and heavy. My stomach and thighs feel like they've doubled overnight. I want to cry but I can't. I want to cut myself but I know I can't since it'll be the middle of a very hot summer when I go home. I'm sat downstairs while my husband is upstairs because we aren't getting along anymore. I have this heavy feeling in my chest, like something terrible is going to happen. It's there constantly now.
Please let me find the willpower to get back on track tomorrow and STOP EATING.
xxxxxxxxx
I'm feeling extra low at the moment. I threw up my pasta last night and took laxatives and still I feel full and heavy. My stomach and thighs feel like they've doubled overnight. I want to cry but I can't. I want to cut myself but I know I can't since it'll be the middle of a very hot summer when I go home. I'm sat downstairs while my husband is upstairs because we aren't getting along anymore. I have this heavy feeling in my chest, like something terrible is going to happen. It's there constantly now.
Please let me find the willpower to get back on track tomorrow and STOP EATING.
xxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 19 November 2009
What the hell is wrong with me?
I only managed to go a week and a half this time before fucking up and bingeing. I don't understand why my binges are becoming more frequent, goddamit!! Now it's only two and a half weeks before I go home and I'm nowhere near on target. I'm going to have to change my goal chart and put it back by a week at least as I'm almost two weeks behind at the moment. I was hoping I'd have caught up by now.
I can't believe it - I got to 140, had every reason to think I'd be in the 130's by now and I go and fucking sabotage myself. I do this every time. I did it when I got to 150 and now I'm doing it at 140. After screwing up on Tuesday, I had another bad day Wednesday - 950 cals. Even though it wasn't quite as bad as Tuesday, it's still bad. Today I majorly ruined my progress. I got to 7pm and had only had 300 cals and thought I was doing ok. I felt very hungry but I thought I could control it. I was wrong. My husband made some chicken in a tomato and mushroom sauce with wholemeal pasta. My resolve broke and I ate a bowl of it. Then I had another. Holy fucking shit!! Now I'm full and have no desire to eat but I'm sat here guzzling diet coke as I'm so thirsty and I can feel my stomach expanding.
I kept asking my husband tonight if I've gained weight over the past 3 days, I swear I look fatter but he assured me I didn't which just made me feel annoyed because I didn't believe him. *sighs*. I took some pics of me at 163 lbs and then took more two days ago at 140 lbs. Yes there's a difference, but seriously, it's not THAT big a difference. I don't know how much I need to lose before I start to look thin. I think I'll just bite the bullet and post a current pic of myself to see what you all think. I think I need to lose another 15-20 lbs before I look good. And I need to tone up, I'm so flabby :(
I wish I lived with another ana girl who could actually hold me down and stop me from eating, unlike my husband who says I 'could do with some decent food from time to time' - fuck that!! Today I weighed 141. Don't even want to talk about it or record it on my weight chart - I'm SO determined to be in the 130's by next Monday (23rd). That gives me 3 days to get back on track and shed this extra pound, although I'm guessing after today I will most likely be even higher tomorrow = fuck fuck fuck!!
Love you girls and STAY STRONG!
EDIT:- p.s. Kate Moss has just caused an uproar over here for saying 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' - apparently a mantra of hers. Everyone is apparently 'shocked' and 'dismayed' but how else do they think she keeps thin? Of course she doesn't eat! She is a size zero super model after all!! I wish I was as strong as her!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I can't believe it - I got to 140, had every reason to think I'd be in the 130's by now and I go and fucking sabotage myself. I do this every time. I did it when I got to 150 and now I'm doing it at 140. After screwing up on Tuesday, I had another bad day Wednesday - 950 cals. Even though it wasn't quite as bad as Tuesday, it's still bad. Today I majorly ruined my progress. I got to 7pm and had only had 300 cals and thought I was doing ok. I felt very hungry but I thought I could control it. I was wrong. My husband made some chicken in a tomato and mushroom sauce with wholemeal pasta. My resolve broke and I ate a bowl of it. Then I had another. Holy fucking shit!! Now I'm full and have no desire to eat but I'm sat here guzzling diet coke as I'm so thirsty and I can feel my stomach expanding.
I kept asking my husband tonight if I've gained weight over the past 3 days, I swear I look fatter but he assured me I didn't which just made me feel annoyed because I didn't believe him. *sighs*. I took some pics of me at 163 lbs and then took more two days ago at 140 lbs. Yes there's a difference, but seriously, it's not THAT big a difference. I don't know how much I need to lose before I start to look thin. I think I'll just bite the bullet and post a current pic of myself to see what you all think. I think I need to lose another 15-20 lbs before I look good. And I need to tone up, I'm so flabby :(
I wish I lived with another ana girl who could actually hold me down and stop me from eating, unlike my husband who says I 'could do with some decent food from time to time' - fuck that!! Today I weighed 141. Don't even want to talk about it or record it on my weight chart - I'm SO determined to be in the 130's by next Monday (23rd). That gives me 3 days to get back on track and shed this extra pound, although I'm guessing after today I will most likely be even higher tomorrow = fuck fuck fuck!!
Love you girls and STAY STRONG!
EDIT:- p.s. Kate Moss has just caused an uproar over here for saying 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' - apparently a mantra of hers. Everyone is apparently 'shocked' and 'dismayed' but how else do they think she keeps thin? Of course she doesn't eat! She is a size zero super model after all!! I wish I was as strong as her!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
140.0
Maintained today, but that's ok. I was bad today though. I didn't binge but I feel immensely guilty as I had just over 1000 calories. I haven't eaten that much in over a week so I'm feeling a bit shit. Today I had:
2 1/2 skinny vanilla lattes
1 green salad with 1 tbsp low fat mayo
1 small chicken breast, peas, carrots, & baby potatoes with some vegetarian gravy
1 handful of dried apricots
1 handful of raisins
Fuck it!
I forgot about the dried fruit so I must've had 1300 cals.
I'm going to bed before I eat anything else! I have just weighed myself and looks certain I'll maintain again but I did eat a shit load today so I deserve it!
Love you all xxxxxxxxxx
2 1/2 skinny vanilla lattes
1 green salad with 1 tbsp low fat mayo
1 small chicken breast, peas, carrots, & baby potatoes with some vegetarian gravy
1 handful of dried apricots
1 handful of raisins
Fuck it!
I forgot about the dried fruit so I must've had 1300 cals.
I'm going to bed before I eat anything else! I have just weighed myself and looks certain I'll maintain again but I did eat a shit load today so I deserve it!
Love you all xxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 15 November 2009
140.0
or 63.5 kg. Not quite in the 130's yet but I guess it's ok. Will post more on my day later tonight, off to Uni now, hope you're all having or had a good day :) xxx
EDIT:-
Thanks Skinny Love and Medica Chaotica for your comments! I hope I'm lower tomorrow too, would be great to see the 130's again, haven't seen them in a long while.
Just a very quick update as I'm absolutely shattered after a very long and tiring day at Uni! Didn't do too badly today I had:
Mushroom soup, 3 apples and a tin of sliced pears (drained).
I also had two skinny creme brulee lattes (small) = its around 650.
I've discovered the lattes are only 92 cals each according to the costa coffee website so I just have one of those if I start to feel tired and hungry.
Hope you're all doing well. I weighed myself this evening and it looks like I will probably maintain 140 tomorrow but will keep my fingers crossed!
p.s. BMI now 20.3 yay hopefully in the 19's soon :)
Lots of Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
EDIT:-
Thanks Skinny Love and Medica Chaotica for your comments! I hope I'm lower tomorrow too, would be great to see the 130's again, haven't seen them in a long while.
Just a very quick update as I'm absolutely shattered after a very long and tiring day at Uni! Didn't do too badly today I had:
Mushroom soup, 3 apples and a tin of sliced pears (drained).
I also had two skinny creme brulee lattes (small) = its around 650.
I've discovered the lattes are only 92 cals each according to the costa coffee website so I just have one of those if I start to feel tired and hungry.
Hope you're all doing well. I weighed myself this evening and it looks like I will probably maintain 140 tomorrow but will keep my fingers crossed!
p.s. BMI now 20.3 yay hopefully in the 19's soon :)
Lots of Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 14 November 2009
140.8
Just another quick weight update - still the same, 140.8/63.9 kg and now have to go out for fucking lunch :( But I will order soup and leave the bread - will update more later. Love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx
EDIT:- Update:
Thank you so much to the three lovely girls who commented below, I don't feel so strong a lot of the time, so thank you for saying it! Well I had some luck today, the pub we went to was full and the waiting time was 30 mins. My husband was too hungry so we left and went to this cafe where I just had a fruit juice. Then we went for a coffee and I had a small vanilla skinny latte. Then we went to the movies and I had a fruit smoothie. Total by that stage was around 450-500 cals I think. When I got home I had a small fruit salad and a can of tuna. So the total for the day is about 700-750 which isn't very good but I don't feel full and when I got home tonight I only weighed slightly more than this morning so hopefully I am on for a little weight loss tomorrow! After a week of averaging 500-600 per day I have slipped a little bit today but will try and stick to 500 cals tomorrow.
Thanks again for your comments, you are all so supportive and I really think I would've given up long ago if it hadn't been for all your support :)
Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx
EDIT:- Update:
Thank you so much to the three lovely girls who commented below, I don't feel so strong a lot of the time, so thank you for saying it! Well I had some luck today, the pub we went to was full and the waiting time was 30 mins. My husband was too hungry so we left and went to this cafe where I just had a fruit juice. Then we went for a coffee and I had a small vanilla skinny latte. Then we went to the movies and I had a fruit smoothie. Total by that stage was around 450-500 cals I think. When I got home I had a small fruit salad and a can of tuna. So the total for the day is about 700-750 which isn't very good but I don't feel full and when I got home tonight I only weighed slightly more than this morning so hopefully I am on for a little weight loss tomorrow! After a week of averaging 500-600 per day I have slipped a little bit today but will try and stick to 500 cals tomorrow.
Thanks again for your comments, you are all so supportive and I really think I would've given up long ago if it hadn't been for all your support :)
Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, 12 November 2009
140.8
Just today's weight update: happy about 140.8 - or 63.9 kg. Looking forward to being in the 130's asap!
BMI: 20.4
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BMI: 20.4
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Wednesday, 11 November 2009
142.0
Sorry I haven't been commenting much - the bingeing gets me down so much I don't feel worthy being on here when I'm constantly eating!
Anyway after 4 disgusting days I am feeling more positive. My weight ballooned to 146 over the 4 days and now, after 3 days of restricting, has gone down to 142.0. As much as I hate the bingeing, it has enabled me to break a plateau (142.6) that I was stuck at for weeks. And last time, the same occurred, I had been 150 for around 3 weeks and after bingeing and then sudden restriction I lost weight reasonably quickly. I guess I've successfully tricked my body! I just wish I could only binge for one day, or two at the most, but it always seems to be days and days!
Thank you so much to 'CreativeEatsYou', 'H', 'Behind the Fat', 'Blue butterfly', 'Disrepaired' for your supportive comments. I agree that I was being extremely hard on myself and by telling myself things would be ok and that I could get the control back, I've managed to get back to restricting quicker than last time. :) And I'm taking these 4 weeks one day at a time. When I think about it as a 4 week length of time it becomes too stressful!
Since starting Uni this semester I have lost 8 or 9 lbs. One girl in particular has noticed this. When I started Uni, I was roughly the same size as her. Now, I am smaller and as I'm taller than her, I look slimmer :) And it hasn't passed her by. Almost every day she comments on my weight loss, even though I've only known her 6 weeks! She's also started a diet too. When we first started Uni, she ate chocolate bars and sandwiches for lunch whilst I sat there with some vegetable soup and an apple. Now SHE is also having fruit for lunch, and is bringing soup in a thermos with her.
I feel a few different things about this. Firstly, I feel smug. I know, it's awful. But I like it that I'm smaller than her and I like it that she clearly hates it and due to the competitive nature of disordered eating all I can say is 'game on'!. Secondly, I feel mad as hell. Why does she have to compete? She clearly ate 'normally' when we started Uni. Why can't she just let me lose weight instead of trying to be like me? Thirdly, I feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into. Once you start dieting, especially when you're competing with someone, it ends up going too far. Not for everyone, I guess we do have predisposition to having an ED or disordered eating ,but I don't want her to torture herself the way that I do.
hmm... I feel like a bitch. Will keep u updated on this.
It's 2am so there might be 2 posts from me today as I will weigh myself in the morning, once I've slept, and let you all know what it was.
Lots of love to everyone.
p.s. I love our supportive community. I wish we could all live together or nearby each other. There'd be endless support. I just cannot possibly talk to anyone about this unless they've been there. Therapists may have training for it, but I'm studying to be a health care professional and the ED training part of it is so fucking small it's ridiculous, even though I have the ability to 'specialise' in ED's upon graduation. It's crazy.xxxxx
Anyway after 4 disgusting days I am feeling more positive. My weight ballooned to 146 over the 4 days and now, after 3 days of restricting, has gone down to 142.0. As much as I hate the bingeing, it has enabled me to break a plateau (142.6) that I was stuck at for weeks. And last time, the same occurred, I had been 150 for around 3 weeks and after bingeing and then sudden restriction I lost weight reasonably quickly. I guess I've successfully tricked my body! I just wish I could only binge for one day, or two at the most, but it always seems to be days and days!
Thank you so much to 'CreativeEatsYou', 'H', 'Behind the Fat', 'Blue butterfly', 'Disrepaired' for your supportive comments. I agree that I was being extremely hard on myself and by telling myself things would be ok and that I could get the control back, I've managed to get back to restricting quicker than last time. :) And I'm taking these 4 weeks one day at a time. When I think about it as a 4 week length of time it becomes too stressful!
Since starting Uni this semester I have lost 8 or 9 lbs. One girl in particular has noticed this. When I started Uni, I was roughly the same size as her. Now, I am smaller and as I'm taller than her, I look slimmer :) And it hasn't passed her by. Almost every day she comments on my weight loss, even though I've only known her 6 weeks! She's also started a diet too. When we first started Uni, she ate chocolate bars and sandwiches for lunch whilst I sat there with some vegetable soup and an apple. Now SHE is also having fruit for lunch, and is bringing soup in a thermos with her.
I feel a few different things about this. Firstly, I feel smug. I know, it's awful. But I like it that I'm smaller than her and I like it that she clearly hates it and due to the competitive nature of disordered eating all I can say is 'game on'!. Secondly, I feel mad as hell. Why does she have to compete? She clearly ate 'normally' when we started Uni. Why can't she just let me lose weight instead of trying to be like me? Thirdly, I feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into. Once you start dieting, especially when you're competing with someone, it ends up going too far. Not for everyone, I guess we do have predisposition to having an ED or disordered eating ,but I don't want her to torture herself the way that I do.
hmm... I feel like a bitch. Will keep u updated on this.
It's 2am so there might be 2 posts from me today as I will weigh myself in the morning, once I've slept, and let you all know what it was.
Lots of love to everyone.
p.s. I love our supportive community. I wish we could all live together or nearby each other. There'd be endless support. I just cannot possibly talk to anyone about this unless they've been there. Therapists may have training for it, but I'm studying to be a health care professional and the ED training part of it is so fucking small it's ridiculous, even though I have the ability to 'specialise' in ED's upon graduation. It's crazy.xxxxx
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Can I go 4 weeks with no binges?
I hope so. It'll be so bloody worth it! I see my family and friends in Australia in 4 weeks. I'm terrifed. I've GOT to be skinny by then.
Well I am still 142.6 but no surprises there. I have been in binge hell for the past 3 days. After my last post, I went on to have a good day (thanks for the supportive comments!) and only had 350 cals then the following day things went to shit again. I had to meet friends for coffee (again! so many coffee mornings lately?!) which turned into lunch but I didn't eat anything however I did have 3 huge coffees. When I got home I realised I had consumed nearly 500 cals in liquids - what a waste! Anyway I told myself I'd totally blown it and binged as soon as I walked in the door.
Then the following day started fine. I had a late lunch - 350 calorie salad and decided to have 200 cals of soup for dinner. But plans changed. Instead I went out for dinner and I have no idea how many calories I ate! I was so fucking stressed that I actually didn't care for once! I have the most difficult assignment/presentation thing for Uni to do that I can't concentrate right now. I have barely started it and it's due this week. I just cannot study/do homework and restrict! I have no concentration/motivation and I feel far too tired when I'm restricting. So today again, I fucked up and ate lots. Probably 1500 cals but at least I got some homework done.
I would rather be thin than get good grades. I really would. But the perfectionist in me who only settles for 'A's' is taking over at the moment and battling with the side of me that just wants to be thin. But without doing the homework today I would've failed and I can't think of anything worse than failing Uni.
Sorry for being quiet and not commenting - I have a stressful week coming up so I may not have a lot of time to comment but I will be back!!
Pray for me that I can have a binge-free month. Even if I'm only 134 in a month's time, that will be ok with me. Anything in the 130's is better than how I currently am. I dread to think of my weight. Today's eating was extra worse, I feel like I've gained 5 lbs, my stomach is huge :(
Sorry for this depressing post!! Hope ur all getting skinny and bingeing isn't ever worth it as y'all know already but just reiterating it for u!
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Well I am still 142.6 but no surprises there. I have been in binge hell for the past 3 days. After my last post, I went on to have a good day (thanks for the supportive comments!) and only had 350 cals then the following day things went to shit again. I had to meet friends for coffee (again! so many coffee mornings lately?!) which turned into lunch but I didn't eat anything however I did have 3 huge coffees. When I got home I realised I had consumed nearly 500 cals in liquids - what a waste! Anyway I told myself I'd totally blown it and binged as soon as I walked in the door.
Then the following day started fine. I had a late lunch - 350 calorie salad and decided to have 200 cals of soup for dinner. But plans changed. Instead I went out for dinner and I have no idea how many calories I ate! I was so fucking stressed that I actually didn't care for once! I have the most difficult assignment/presentation thing for Uni to do that I can't concentrate right now. I have barely started it and it's due this week. I just cannot study/do homework and restrict! I have no concentration/motivation and I feel far too tired when I'm restricting. So today again, I fucked up and ate lots. Probably 1500 cals but at least I got some homework done.
I would rather be thin than get good grades. I really would. But the perfectionist in me who only settles for 'A's' is taking over at the moment and battling with the side of me that just wants to be thin. But without doing the homework today I would've failed and I can't think of anything worse than failing Uni.
Sorry for being quiet and not commenting - I have a stressful week coming up so I may not have a lot of time to comment but I will be back!!
Pray for me that I can have a binge-free month. Even if I'm only 134 in a month's time, that will be ok with me. Anything in the 130's is better than how I currently am. I dread to think of my weight. Today's eating was extra worse, I feel like I've gained 5 lbs, my stomach is huge :(
Sorry for this depressing post!! Hope ur all getting skinny and bingeing isn't ever worth it as y'all know already but just reiterating it for u!
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Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Bad day :(
I binged today. I hate food. I really do. It's the enemy.
I'd been experiencing this horrible, nagging feeling to binge all week, but I'd held back. I was still 142.6 this morning, which is fine, it's still the same weight, but it's not an increase at least. But I had this big presentation to give at Uni today which was stressing me out and after the presentation, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief - that it was over, and yet I needed to EAT! I had this urge to stuff my face AFTER the stressful event, but I don't understand why!!
Breakfast and lunch were fine - coffee, vegetable soup and 1 apple. But after I left Uni it all went downhill.
For the train journey home I bought a packet of potato chips, a small tuna salad, & a dried fruit and nut mix. Later I went out for dinner and had roast chicken with carrots, peas, mashed potato and gravy, when I got home I had more dried fruit and cashew nuts and about two handfuls of banana chips (which are TERRIBLE!)..Omg.. Fuck my life!! I haven't eaten potato chips in over 3 months, what possessed me to buy them today?? I have never bought food for the train journey home before - it's too dangerous! There is 'bad food' everywhere at train stations!
I must've had 2000 calories??
Anyway, there is no food in my house except soup so i'm praying this is just a one off binge day. They never happen, my binges usually last for days or weeks. I know I wont get to 140 by Friday, but I can't dwell on it or I will continue to binge. God bingeing just isn't worth it! Sometimes when I start to binge I think, "this is SO worth it, tastes SO good" but that feeling lasts less than 5 minutes.
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I'd been experiencing this horrible, nagging feeling to binge all week, but I'd held back. I was still 142.6 this morning, which is fine, it's still the same weight, but it's not an increase at least. But I had this big presentation to give at Uni today which was stressing me out and after the presentation, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief - that it was over, and yet I needed to EAT! I had this urge to stuff my face AFTER the stressful event, but I don't understand why!!
Breakfast and lunch were fine - coffee, vegetable soup and 1 apple. But after I left Uni it all went downhill.
For the train journey home I bought a packet of potato chips, a small tuna salad, & a dried fruit and nut mix. Later I went out for dinner and had roast chicken with carrots, peas, mashed potato and gravy, when I got home I had more dried fruit and cashew nuts and about two handfuls of banana chips (which are TERRIBLE!)..Omg.. Fuck my life!! I haven't eaten potato chips in over 3 months, what possessed me to buy them today?? I have never bought food for the train journey home before - it's too dangerous! There is 'bad food' everywhere at train stations!
I must've had 2000 calories??
Anyway, there is no food in my house except soup so i'm praying this is just a one off binge day. They never happen, my binges usually last for days or weeks. I know I wont get to 140 by Friday, but I can't dwell on it or I will continue to binge. God bingeing just isn't worth it! Sometimes when I start to binge I think, "this is SO worth it, tastes SO good" but that feeling lasts less than 5 minutes.
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Sunday, 1 November 2009
Plateau !
Damn plateau!! grr!! Have been 142.6 for FOUR days! The problem is for the past 4 days I've been eating 650-700 calories per day. Prior to that, for a week and a half, I was maintaining 450-500 calories per day and lost 4lbs. So the extra couple of hundred cals are affecting me. But I'd rather have a few days of 650-700 cals than a few days of binging I guess. Jeez I was hungry today! Desperately wanted to just EAT! But I restrained myself. Yesterday I had about 700 cals. Today so far I've only had 330 cals. Not sure if I'll eat anything else - I'll certainly try not to but I think I might need an apple as it's still a good 4 hours before I go to bed.
On a good note, I managed to get through Halloween without eating ANY junk food/candy/sweets/anything! So very happy about that.
Was meant to be 142.0 by the 30th but still haven't made it and I have to be 140 by November 6th which is on Friday!!
Hope everyone is doing really well and thanks for all your supportive comments :)
Bella xx
On a good note, I managed to get through Halloween without eating ANY junk food/candy/sweets/anything! So very happy about that.
Was meant to be 142.0 by the 30th but still haven't made it and I have to be 140 by November 6th which is on Friday!!
Hope everyone is doing really well and thanks for all your supportive comments :)
Bella xx
Friday, 30 October 2009
142.6
Same weight as yesterday - bit of a disappointment as according to my 'goal chart' (below) I needed to be 142.04 today but hopefully I can get there tomorrow. Next goal is 140 lbs by 6th November.
Does anyone know how I can put my goal chart down the side of my blog? I'm terrible with formatting blogs!
So far today had one cup of black coffee with 2 tsp of sugar. Not sure what I'm going to eat today - probably just some soup. - hope you're all having a great day :)
16th October -146.19 - check!
23rd October - 144.00 - check!
30th October - 142.04
6th November - 140.00
13th November - 137.99
20th November - 136.00
27th November - 134.04
4th December - 132.10
11th December - 130.18
18th December - 128.29
25th December - 126.43
Does anyone know how I can put my goal chart down the side of my blog? I'm terrible with formatting blogs!
So far today had one cup of black coffee with 2 tsp of sugar. Not sure what I'm going to eat today - probably just some soup. - hope you're all having a great day :)
16th October -146.19 - check!
23rd October - 144.00 - check!
30th October - 142.04
6th November - 140.00
13th November - 137.99
20th November - 136.00
27th November - 134.04
4th December - 132.10
11th December - 130.18
18th December - 128.29
25th December - 126.43
Thursday, 29 October 2009
142.6
Or 64.7 kgs - happy about that, but I had to go out for dinner tonight (bleh!) - I ordered a chicken & vegetable meal that was 475 cals according to their website and a 200 cal salad with low fat dressing. However, I did not finish the salad and removed all the skin (Yuck!) off the chicken so hopefully it's less cals in total. That was my total food for the day. Didn't have any coffee - just two large glasses of diet pepsi.
Had to have dinner quite late so hopefully it wont slow down my weight loss.
FIVE AND A HALF WEEKS TO GO! - until I go see my family OMG. I really want to be 132 or 130 by then, it's possibly a bit ambitious but I hope I can make it!
Stay strong everyone! It's worth it :)
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Had to have dinner quite late so hopefully it wont slow down my weight loss.
FIVE AND A HALF WEEKS TO GO! - until I go see my family OMG. I really want to be 132 or 130 by then, it's possibly a bit ambitious but I hope I can make it!
Stay strong everyone! It's worth it :)
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Wednesday, 28 October 2009
143.5
Not feeling myself today. I had a break from my normal routine - which I hate when I'm restricting. It scares me and makes me SO anxious. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm always highly anxious when restricting. I like to know exactly where I'm going, what I'm eating (or not eating), how long, etc etc...
I went to a friend's house for coffee, which I enjoyed but I had SO much coffee! It was black coffee, but with sugar so I feel guilty. Anyway, we met early in the morning so she got some breakfast things out for us. I politely declined a blueberry muffin. She said I looked "great" and "slim" so that made me feel good, but to not look like a total freak I accepted a 90cal Special K Bar and an apple.
When I got home I just felt so stressed. I don't know what it was - just getting through the morning trying to avoid nice muffins and pastries was so hard and with the stress of exams coming I felt like I was having a panic attack as soon as I walked through the door.
I needed to calm down. My heart was racing, and I was so hungry. I decided that I would just have dinner early (at 4.30pm - which I never do, I always have it late) but I was STARVING! I really just wanted to binge. I wanted to have a huge, all out binge and just stuff my face with food. But, thankfully, I didn't. I had another apple, a can of tuna, a bowl of chicken soup, and some dried fruit. It's quite a lot more than I've been eating - around 650-700 cals for the whole day (I've been averaging about 500 for the past 10 days) - but I feel better and have calmed down considerably. FYI - I still don't count my black coffee with sugar, but I probably should have today considering I had 4 huge mugs of it!! Oh well. I think when I hit my next plateau I will start counting the sugar calories?? God you must thinking I'm a fat pig not counting it now! I do count everything else though - all drinks, although apart from the black coffee I only drink water and diet coke!
Yesterday I had around 550 cals and managed to lose half a pound so I'm just praying that I wont gain. I'm scared by the fact that I've eaten so damn early, knowing it's 5 or 6 hours before bed. I think I'll have an early night and fill up on diet coke.
Stay strong everyone!
Bellaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I went to a friend's house for coffee, which I enjoyed but I had SO much coffee! It was black coffee, but with sugar so I feel guilty. Anyway, we met early in the morning so she got some breakfast things out for us. I politely declined a blueberry muffin. She said I looked "great" and "slim" so that made me feel good, but to not look like a total freak I accepted a 90cal Special K Bar and an apple.
When I got home I just felt so stressed. I don't know what it was - just getting through the morning trying to avoid nice muffins and pastries was so hard and with the stress of exams coming I felt like I was having a panic attack as soon as I walked through the door.
I needed to calm down. My heart was racing, and I was so hungry. I decided that I would just have dinner early (at 4.30pm - which I never do, I always have it late) but I was STARVING! I really just wanted to binge. I wanted to have a huge, all out binge and just stuff my face with food. But, thankfully, I didn't. I had another apple, a can of tuna, a bowl of chicken soup, and some dried fruit. It's quite a lot more than I've been eating - around 650-700 cals for the whole day (I've been averaging about 500 for the past 10 days) - but I feel better and have calmed down considerably. FYI - I still don't count my black coffee with sugar, but I probably should have today considering I had 4 huge mugs of it!! Oh well. I think when I hit my next plateau I will start counting the sugar calories?? God you must thinking I'm a fat pig not counting it now! I do count everything else though - all drinks, although apart from the black coffee I only drink water and diet coke!
Yesterday I had around 550 cals and managed to lose half a pound so I'm just praying that I wont gain. I'm scared by the fact that I've eaten so damn early, knowing it's 5 or 6 hours before bed. I think I'll have an early night and fill up on diet coke.
Stay strong everyone!
Bellaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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